10 Things To Expect After A Baby

The title of this entry is bogus.  To try and only pick out 10 things to expect after having a baby is like trying to get away with only wearing a shirt and no pants to Target and have nobody stare at you.  Impossible.  But, I wanted to try...

1) Your baby will look funny as a newborn.  Both Connor and Bee were gorgeous babies, but my DNA is superior (I kid, I kid).  Be prepared that your baby will not come out looking like a toddler.  It's head might be oddly shaped, their eyes might look squinty, their skin may look red...but most importantly, they will be beautiful to you--and that's what matters.

2) The first poops are terrible.  Not because they stink, but the consistency is just...bizarre.  Bee did his doody (pun-intended) right out of the chute.  Child was FULL of it (granted, he was probably still processing the amniotic fluid filled with PF Changs and marshmallows).  Whether you have a boy or a girl, when you're changing those diapers, it's like trying to peel rubber cement off the final draft of your essay as a kid.  Oh, and since it takes so long to get them clean, you will most definitely get peed on (there is where you can be jealous of those with girls since boys tend to aim and release straight up--in your face).

3) The first few days can be difficult because you want to be home snuggling and resting with your new baby.  Instead, you are forced to take them (and their weak immune system, the horror!) out into the world to make a ridiculous amount of doctor's appointments.  I never got this.  It's like "Hey!  Let's put some sleep-deprived (and hormonal) parents behind the wheel of a car with a newborn baby in the back and have them criss-cross a metro area--GENIUS!".  You will become on a first name basis with your local drive-thru Starbucks barista.

4) Sleep deprivation finally hits and a fog settles over your house.  Everyone answers in grunts, some may fall asleep brushing their teeth (hey, the Sonicare does have a relaxing white noise about it), you forget when breakfast, lunch and dinner should happen and your oldest child will become a superhero--Connor was still getting his sleep, regular food schedule and having fun so he was the "upper" in house.  If you have older children, they will provide that foray into reality when you really need it--and also more than a few laughs.

5) After the dust settles, a routine can help.  However, don't be fooled into thinking that you, as the parent, decides and implements said routine the first time.  This little creature will absolutely put YOU on the schedule first.  Let them do that for awhile...and then slowly sneak in changes.  Some babies respond and settle in right away (Connor), some resist (Bee) and will continue to resist until...well, we're still working on that.

6) You will be afraid to take your baby out in public because you don't want to be "that parent" with the screaming kid.  But guess what?  EVERYONE loves babies (well, mostly everyone.  The ones that don't are like cats that don't like kids--they will hide).  However, if you do have a baby in full meltdown mode because they have a need not being met (dirty diaper, hungry, pissed that you wouldn't let them continue to suck on the Mentos on display) and they ARE stopping traffic, please do the nice thing and take them into a quieter place to calm them down.  You'll feel better and baby will feel better.

7) You might resent your spouse if you're the one staying at home with the baby--I know I did.  I felt like my job wasn't as important, but I was wrong.  I was tasked with something just as important--raising two beautiful boys.  I don't get a paycheck, but hugs and kisses, drooly and toothless grins, and "I love you Mommy" are things you can't put a price tag on (but seriously Dylan, I do kind of hate you just a little tiny bit when you travel--because I love hotels and room service).

8) The family will change in the best and worst ways.  Everyone becomes closer and shares in the excitement of this new addition.  However, older kids can feel left out, spouses snap at each other, mom can lose her sh*t over something obscenely unimportant and go cry in her closet, and family dinners may take a backseat to takeout and quesadillas.  But that's okay.  Remind all of your kids that you love them.  Thank your spouse for going through this with you.  This is where I suggest that you cry IN the shower so you can get clean, and then IN your closet so you can get dressed, and THEN in your car as you take a drive by yourself for 10 minutes to get takeout.

9) Pictures will become your favorite thing to take and look at.  I've been like this forever with Connor, and now with Bee, it's ridiculous.  Look!  Connor is eating a waffle, take a picture!  Bee is staring at the cat, take a picture!  Ohmigoodness, both of my adorable boys are TOGETHER, looking cute AND Bee is touching Connor's head--quick, take the damn picture!  Remember to also get them framed or put in photo books.  My husband's job might be all about "The Cloud" but I still don't trust "The Cloud" to keep my images safe (and for the last time, "The Cloud" is just the freaking Internet people).

10) You will miss the time you had with your spouse.  You will each be pulled in so many different directions that it's difficult to be pulled TOGETHER.  Let friends, godparents, a nanny, etc. take your kids for awhile so you can get out (trust me, your kids will be FINE).  After all, you really don't want to end up as the couple who wakes up 20 years later (after the kids are gone) and says in shock, "Who the f*ck are you?!?!?  How long have you been there?!?!?" while reaching for your can of mace.

Trying to prepare for life after a new baby is like wondering what world peace might feel like.  Or like my friend and I were talking about, trying to imagine what infinity is.  It's overwhelming and scary.  I think it's truly one of those life changes you just jump and figure it out later as you go along.