Turns Out...I'm Not Perfect (And A Fun Quiz)

Folks, it's been a ROUGH 10 days.  This nap transitioning thing is killing me.  Emotionally, I'm spent.  Physically, I'm exhausted.  You don't really appreciate a baby's naps until they are basically G-O-N-E for over a week...and counting.

I'll be honest.  I haven't showered every day.  Some days I haven't brushed my teeth until a) Connor is almost home from school, or b) Dylan is on his way home from work--because I simply cannot be bothered by anything that requires additional thought or effort.  For those short 20 or 30 minutes that Bee will nap, I sit my ass on the couch.  Or floor.  Wherever I manage to land (or fall over).

I've been a moody bitch.  I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I have cried, yelled, sobbed...this period has reminded me of those first couple of months after Bee was born--everything is a blur and important things are forgotten because you are so damn tired and can't figure out how to make this little person happy again.  I feel guilty.  I feel guilty because my patience is waning, I feel like I haven't been able to give either one of my boys "quality time" because I'm always playing catch-up.  I feel guilty because last night I literally locked myself in the bathroom, sat on the floor, and cried.  And cried.  And looked at Facebook and played Words With Friends.  And all of that was after I sat in my car in a parking lot listening to Taylor Swift, texting one of my best friends and CRIED.  Good lord, I feel dehydrated from shedding all those tears.

This has been a lonely trek at times.  Thank GOD for my girlfriends (my nanny included in that list!).  They don't judge, they just listen.  Not one of them have made me feel bad about decisions I've made--instead, they offered words of encouragement, helpful tricks to try, and most importantly, two hands to give me a chance to refresh and refuel (or a a few hours of their company without kids--a movie, coffee at Starbucks, etc).  So THANK YOU.  Each and every one of you.  Whether you reached out via Facebook, this blog, email, text message, in person...THANK YOU.  

Are the naps getting easier or better?  Not really.  It's now become a waiting game of when Bee will finally decide he's ready for the challenge of being a good napper.  He is a special little guy and I love him with my entire soul.  Connor said it best right after Bee was born.  He told me, "Mama, it's like your heart now takes up your whole body" (yes, I just started crying again after typing that).  The faith and love that pours from children is so very special.  Unfettered.  My boys are my LIFE.  I may struggle at times, I will stumble, I will lose my patience and daydream about setting up shop in a hotel with a good book, bottle of wine and bags of Lush bath bombs.  However, my love remains consistent.  ALWAYS.  So to my lovely little Bee and my amazing best littlest friend Connor, Mommy loves you.  Both of you.  No matter what.  I will always be your champion, I will always support and love you--I will be here for you and love you with abandon.

I may not be perfect, but my love is perfectly real and perfectly simple.

And to end this post on a completely honest but hopefully fun note, here is a quiz I stole:
If you were caught cheating, would you fess up? Yes.

The last time you felt honestly broken? Last night, into this morning.
Are you craving something? Red Robin fries with honey mustard to dip them in. 
If you could have one thing right now what would it be? A fresh cup of coffee (or a fountain Diet Coke).
Would you rather have ten kids, or none? None, because I don't think I could be a good parent to 10!
What do you hear right now? Connor tapping on his laptop.
Is your bed against more than one of your walls? No, that would make me feel closed in.
What’s on your mind right now? All of the things I need to get done today.
Are you there for your friends? I hope so.  My friends are my family.
Last person to see you cry? My husband.
What do you do when you get nervous? Grind my teeth.
Be honest, do you like people in general? Most people, although I have a low tolerance for ignorance.
How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? Already did-at 21 and 31.
Does anyone completely understand you? Absolutely not.  Not even me.
Do you have a reason to smile right now? Yes.
Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? Yes.
Would you be happier if life had a rewind button? Yes.
Do you tell your mom or dad everything? No.
Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes? Yes.
Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone? Physically?  No.  Emotionally?  There's always some risk when you have lots of love in your life I suppose.
This time last year, can you remember who you loved? Yes.
Do you think more about the past, present, or future? Past and present.  Hindsight is 20/20 and I like to think about the past to (hopefully) not make the same mistakes in the here and now.
How many hours of sleep do you get a night? Completely depends.  It never honestly feels like enough!
Are you easy to get along with? Yes, until you hurt someone I love.  Then I am not very nice.
Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? Absolutely not.
What was the last drink that you put in your mouth? Coffee, 1/2 a waffle from Connor's plate.
What size bed do you have? Queen.
Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? Before!
Do you like the rain? Not at all.  That's why I hate Oregon most of the year.
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Maybe.
Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? Probably every single day.
Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither? I think I am both.
Who were you last in the car with, besides family? Myself--does that count?
What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who? I honestly don't remember, but probably with my husband.
Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend? Yes, a very long time ago.
Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you? Yes.
Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party? Nope, they live 3000 miles away!  I'd have it at my house, but I hate the cleanup after.
Do you regret a past relationship? No.
Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party? A concert.
Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over? Yes.  I have a type.
Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry? God, I hope not.
Do you care too much about your appearance? Yes.  Way, way too much.
Are you a jealous person? Absolutely.
Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? No, buying clothes right now gives me hives.
Do you miss anyone? Yes.  Very, very much.
Last person who made you cry? Myself?  I tend to be REALLY hard on myself.
Does your ex piss you off? Doesn't piss me off, but the narcissism drives me nuts.
What are you doing tomorrow? Doctor's appointment.
Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week? I'm married and I don't have the time. :-)
Is there anyone you want to come see you? Yes, I miss my family.  Especially around holidays.
Have you ever been cheated on? Yes.
Ever given your all to someone who walked away? Yes.
Do you like cotton candy? No.
Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? My husband.
Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17? LMAO, I'm 32 (but have been knocked up twice).
Do you have siblings? Yes, one.
Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? Yes.
How has the past week been for you? VERY TRYING.
Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? No.
What’s on your mind right now? I hope I have enough time to shower today.
What were you doing at midnight last night? Trying to sleep.
What is your current mood? OK, just okay.
Who was the first person you talked to today? My husband before he went to get on a plane.
Will this week be a good one? I'm optimistic it'll end up that way.
Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? I got to watch my oldest son perform in his talent show!
Who were you with last night? My boys and husband.
Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Kind of.
Next time you will kiss someone? Any given moment!  Both of my boys are with me today!
Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy? Hmm...not sure on that one.
Do you have any plans for the weekend? Easter activities and hopefully enjoying some sunshine!

Status Update on "The Crib Napping Chronicles"

I don't even remember what day we are on in this journey of transitioning nap time for the Bee from the swing to the crib.  I'm kidding of course--I know we are exactly at day six.  I know this because a) I am a nutcase about keeping count of things and b) because I am a perfectionist and I'm pissed that we were only successful on one day.  Friday.  Day 5.

If you read my other post about this transition, you'll remember that I listed out a few new things I had learned about Bee over the first three days.  Now I can add one more trait to the list--the element of surprise.  Bee is using this new trait to his greatest advantage.

You see, the first four days were truly hit or miss with the naps.  We'd maybe get 30 minutes in the morning, or 45 minutes in the afternoon...Thursday he decided to completely forgo any napping at all--thank God I have an incredibly patient nanny who didn't seem to mind playing CEO (Chief Entertainment Officer) for a few hours while I tried (and failed) to locate my sanity somewhere outside of the prison that was also my home.

By Thursday evening, I thought Bee was finally giving in.  He was exhausted.  He had gone from taking (usually) two, two hour naps a day in addition to sleeping 11-12 hours at night one week to basically following the sleeping schedule of a prisoner in Guantanamo Bay the next.  By 6pm Thursday, his eyes were glassy, cheeks were pink, eyebrows were red, he cried through his dinner and was rubbing his eyes in the bath.  YES!  I thought, tomorrow will be the day that Bee finally gives in.

Guess what?  That little turd that I love so much did exactly that.  He slept for 90 minutes Friday morning and for two hours Friday afternoon.  I was walking, no prancing, around the whole day.  Texts were sent to all of my friends along with a photo of a smiling, well rested Bee.  I was gloating, full of confidence.  It took every mature bone in my body not to stick my tongue out and say, "Neiner, neiner, neiner" to my charming little Bee.

This is where the saying "never get too confident" comes into play.  Just as I was so happy and full of pride, Bee was planning his next move--he was already not one, but two steps ahead of me.  He had given me exactly what I wanted on Friday, two perfect naps.  He wanted me to get comfortable because his next move was coming up...

Day 6.  Today.  Morning nap was approximately 20 minutes.  No afternoon nap to speak of.  WTF?  I was so CONVINCED I had finally cracked the code.  Sadly, I was mistaken.  My little love nugget, who turned exactly 8 months today, played a new move--element of surprise.  Just when I got cocky, he reminded me exactly who he believes is REALLY in charge.

Unfortunately, I have no weapon of mass destruction to fight this element of surprise.  I have only my determination and desire to instill good napping habits in Bee.  It did not happen in the four days that some of the books suggested.  We have met some unexpected roadblocks (namely, poop time being right in the middle of nap time) along the way.  We'll get there--and I may need to accept that Bee may never be 100% on napping, or even 75% for that matter.  That will be a hard fact for me to digest (as I am a complete perfectionist, OCD and driven to complete and unarguable success) so I'm putting it out there...looking at it staring back from the screen at me and rolling it around in my head...I know the benefits to Bee to become a (semi) regular napper.  Perhaps a side benefit to this process is that I might accept success not at 100%/A+,but something closer to 70%/C average.

Day Three Of The "Crib Napping Chronicles"...

Perhaps I should instead title this post the "Kidnapping Chronicles"--because if someone showed up on my doorstep at this very moment and offered to take Bee...I'll be honest.  I'd probably give him up.  Not for FOREVER, just maybe a few days.  And if they could somehow get him to nap in a crib before they brought him home, I'd probably even pay them.  Real money--dolla, dolla bills y'all.

During my pregnancy with Bee, I often wondered what his personality would be like.  I mean, that's the most exciting thing to think about while pregnant, along with what (or who) they will look like... (okay, I also got very excited about Mexican food while pregnant and sometimes wondered if Bee would come out looking like a chicken taco and spitting up refried beans--he didn't, no worries).  Now I realize that I shouldn't have wondered about his personality at all.  This child is most definitely mine. When it comes to change, he resents it and challenges it, just like his mommy.

We are now on day three of transitioning naps from swing to crib.  Let me tell you a few things I've learned about Bee in these three days:

1) He has perseverance (which will come in handy later in life--but for right now, I'm adding it to the "naughty list" of his personality traits).
2) He has  envy-inducing conviction (again, we will all appreciate this later, but going on the "naughty list").
3) He knows where the video monitor is and stares into it practically taunting me with those big eyeballs...
4) He doesn't cry for very long (this is a good thing, I was worried he'd cry for hours).
5) He definitely understands that the crib is for sleeping at nighttime, but during the day, apparently he believes it must be used as a bounce house, cage-fighting ring, yoga studio, or a place to practice the newest sounds his mouth can make (the acoustics must please him).

Here is what I've learned about myself in the past three days:

1) I never thought I'd be fighting a psychological war with an (almost) 8 month old.
2) I never, EVER thought I'd consider surrendering in a psychological war with an (almost) 8 month old.
3) The universe actually DOES conspire against me--because I happened to get sick for the first time all year the day we started this (really?  Like I have an overflowing amount of patience without being sick).
4) I am, without a doubt, amazed at how little sleep Bee thinks he needs--and equally amazed at the fact that he won't sleep.  I mean, c'mon...wipe my butt, stick me in a dark and quiet room with a noise machine that has an alien living in it (three independent people have confirmed this--it says, "Go home..., go home..."), give me my lovey and I will gladly sleep for a few hours.
5) I will no longer believe any claim from a company that makes baby socks.  I've put two different brands on this child's feet so far that advertise being "most difficult for children to pull off!".  They lie.  Bee pulls both brands off with abandon and then uses them to fling about the crib or stuffs them in his mouth.

I have fantasized about putting him back in his swing (especially being sick--what I wouldn't give for two hours of sleep during the day for myself!).  If I take that step back though, I know that it will make this harder to do in the long run.  I would feel awful if he did indeed launch himself out of the swing.  He's already over the weight limit (and I've researched adult sized swings and that brought up some pretty sketchy websites).

The good news is, is that Bee is not upset and isn't crying like a maniac (until about 5pm when he FINALLY hits the wall from lack of sleep) and it IS teaching both of us many important things about the other--mainly, who will back down first.  The advantage I have in this is that I have been practicing my perseverance and conviction for almost 33 years.  Bee only has 7 months on me.

In the meantime, I will continue to stare at the video monitor for hours every day...because Bee may think he's watching me, but I'm watching him too...

It's Just Allergies...And Other Bold-Faced Lies Moms Tell

Honesty came uninvited into my life yesterday--I acknowledged that I was feeling symptoms of being sick.  This morning, definitely sick.  BUT I'm really trying to convince myself it's "just allergies" (lucky for me I live in a state where it's "allergy season" pretty much eleven months out of the year).

Why do I try to deny the illness and convince myself it's something much easier to ignore?  Because I lie.

Hello, my name is Amanda, I am a mom and wife, and a LIAR.

I don't condone lying--NOT AT ALL.  I even hate the little lies that are supposed to make people actually feel better (so never, EVER take me swimsuit or jeans shopping--I won't lie to you and your feelings will probably get hurt).  I appreciate honesty at all costs and teach my children the importance of telling the truth, even if you'll get into trouble (see my post on Connor getting punished over all-night gaming).

However, here's an actual TRUTH.  Moms (and Dads too) lie.  We do it because we feel like we have to or have convinced ourselves that it's okay in certain circumstances.  This is my chance to come clean...here are my favorite "mom lies":

1)  "I'm not sick, it's just allergies" (thus alleviating the stress of everyone else in the house and also partly convincing myself that I can take enough Claritin to finally see through the fog--hey, that's what their commercial implies!)
2)  "What?  The boys were cranky while I was gone? *scoff* They were angels all day for me" (when you left the house in the first place because they were actually mini terrorists all day)
3) "I just now showered because Bee was fussy and clingy all day" (really, I watched "Revenge", "Keeping Up With The Kardashians", and "The Carrie Diaries" while he napped)
4) "I wear sweatpants 90% of the time because Bee urps on me so much" (this is a partial truth--he DOES spit up on me...)
5) "Yes, I DID need a new Swiffer/vacuum/mop because our old one was broken.  Seriously.  How was it broken?  Well, that's hard to explain...it was this noise, then a crackle, then maybe some weird grinding?"
6) "No, the Diaper Genie didn't smell that bad the last time I put one in.  It's full, you say?  Oh, well..."
7) "I only go through 1/2 a case of Diet Coke per week"
8) "Yes, I turned the thermostat up because you were cold.  I'm not sure why you can't feel it yet.  I'm sweating."
9) "No really...I'm FINE" (no matter what the situation is, when someone says that, they are most definitely NOT fine)
10) "I don't know where the 2004 *insert name of favorite Oregon Pinot Noir* went".

So those are just a few of my favorite half-truths...I'm sure everyone, parent or otherwise, have a few of their own as well...

Positive Thinking For Next Week!

Sometimes I believe that if I put something in writing, on a computer or on a piece of paper, it might just come true.  This is why I have titled this entry "Positive Thinking For Next Week!" (in my head I imagine someone like Tony Robbins shouting this at me while fist-pumping--perhaps I also would've added a couple of exclamation points because those always seem to get me hyped up).  In reality, I am dreading next week.  Next week, I embark on what could just be the most anticipated and anxiety-inducing trip ever know to mankind.  I am moving the Bee into the crib, full-time.  No do-overs, no excuses this time.

Let me explain...Bee sleeps wonderfully in his crib at night.  He usually averages between 11-12 hours a night.  Trust me, I know I'm lucky.  The problem is, his naps.  It started when he was a newborn, so I broke out the swing as a last resort and TA-DA!!!!  Napping began.  It even helped him get into a consistent napping ROUTINE (god, I LOVE that word) for a few months.

We encountered the first issue when he was about 4 months old.  Bee was getting so heavy that the battery-operated swing would run through three D batteries with every nap.  If the batteries ran out mid-nap?  No dice--he would scream and there was no way to replace them quietly.  Most people would have used this as a prime time for the transition...but not us.  Bee wasn't sleeping through the night yet and we (okay, I) needed those naps for sanity savers during the day.  Off to Target we went and bought a new swing.  Don't worry, we were smart about it.  We bought a swing that plugs in, no batteries needed.

Two months went by and things were still humming along.  Bee was napping *pretty* well, AND he began to sleep through the night about 80% of the time.  I started envisioning rainbows, unicorns prancing through tulips while bathed in sunlight, and practically skipped everywhere I went, that's how good I was feeling.

In the beginning of January, I took both of the boys back to Virginia to visit my family.  My mom didn't have a swing and neither did my brother and sister-in-law (their youngest was about to turn 2 and my brother had tossed out most of the baby gear.  Ass-Munch.  Kidding, I love my brother and his little family).  Bee was sleeping in a Pack n' Play in a closet in my parent's bedroom.  Now, before you call CPS, it wasn't child abuse--it is a huge closet, basically soundproof and the darkest place in the house.  He slept great at night and even took a few good naps in the Pack n' Play (I didn't have unrealistic expectations on naps back there--time change, on vacation, having fun, etc. was more important).  Here's where I got stupid...because a smart person would've moved Bee right into his crib for naps when we got home because he had been without the swing for over a week.  He had basically already gone through swing detox AND rehab.

In my defense, I tried.  I tried VERY hard.  For about two days.  Then I caved--for both good and selfish reasons.  Bee WASN'T napping in his crib and was so cranky throughout the day.  Selfishly, I wanted a couple of hours of peace and quiet back.  So, back into the swing he went.

Now the day is lurking on the horizon--I feel as much trepidation and anxiety as when I left Connor at kindergarten that first day.  Bee is almost 8 months.  He's the size of an 18 month old (this is a true story--one of my friends has an 18 month old boy and he and Bee could probably share clothes).  The swing doesn't really "swing" that much because he's so heavy.  Just the other day, I caught him trying to "sit up" in the swing (more like launch himself out of it because he was just not as excited as I was that day about nap time).  It's now become a safety hazard.  Also, he's not napping in it as well as he used to.  No surprise there--his head butts up against the damn net in the back and his chubster thighs basically dwarf the buckle on the harness.

So, we soldier on to more grown-up pastures little Bee.  Your crib is nice and comfy.  You like it very much at night.  It's time to give it more of a chance to be a restful place during the day.  I know Bee will cry and cry (because trust me, you know the babies who eventually start hiccuping and softly sobbing to themselves and finally fall asleep after a meltdown?  That's not Bee.  He has perseverance, this one). I know I will feel guilty at times, but I can reassure myself that Bee won't be a sociopath later in life because he cried during the transition from swing to crib.

Let's end with a little honesty, though...I also know I'm going to turn the baby monitor sound off after awhile (but we still have a video one to make sure he's not bouncing himself off the crib rails like an MMA fighter).  I'm probably also going to go sit in my car in the garage at times because his crying will be hard to take.  There might even be a time where I toss little Bee to his dad as he arrives home from work like I'm throwing the pass for a winning touchdown in a Superbowl.  I will feel like Bee hates me (and maybe he might, but thankfully, I think his long-term memory is still in early development).  I can practically guarantee that 5 o'clock will come early this week and maybe even into the next...but, I must think positively.  Perhaps I'll be surprised and Bee will take to his crib like pinot noir does to my wineglass.  And there it is, folks--positive thinking.

Blogging Block...

My friend and I were discussing "blogger's block" and how irritating it is.  We have things to say, just can't seem to put them neatly into posts that make sense (or at least that's my issue).  Lately, my thoughts have seemed more like a child in kindergarten class--Start.  Stop.  Blurt out.  Take it back.  Re-think it.  Forget original thought.  Start over.  What was the question?  Get frustrated...and on, and on...

Then a thought popped up, if I don't write about at least something will I lose the motivation to keep this up?  Hmm...it is quite possible.  I'm a habitual person and I like routines (and quite honestly, I like writing this blog).

So I've decided to write on someone I've known for almost a decade (holy sh*t!).  Connor.  I'm not playing favorites, it's just that I have more material for this guy.  I've always meant to keep a "Connor List"--words, sayings, stories, etc. that pop out of his mouth so that I can show them to him (OK, so I can print it out on a banner along with potty pictures and show his prom date).  This most likely will be a long post, and it's more so for myself to have a list finally started, so feel free to stop reading now (however, you will miss some hilarious material).

1) Connor first attempts at crawling were hilarious for the adults and so frustrating for him--why?  He only crawled backwards.  He would literally crawl himself into a corner and cry because he couldn't get out.  Thankfully it was only temporary, because he now walks both backwards AND forwards.

2) Connor's 1st birthday--family and friends have flown in from all over the country to Arizona to celebrate.  Connor looks like an angelic cherub in a Bob the Builder outfit, overalls and a tool belt to match.  He's only really said "mama", "dada", "kitty", etc. up until now.  All the men are outside in the pool.  The women are inside preparing food (wow, that sounds sexist--I swear it wasn't that way).  Connor is crawling around and sticks his hand in the cat food dish.  He immediately sits up, holds up his hand and says, "Shit".  Everyone falls silent.  He puts his hand in the cat's water dish, "SHIT!", this time louder and with conviction.  My son's first clear word was "shit".  I take all the credit.

3) Potty-training.  We tried, his preschool tried.  I lost sleep worrying that a) he wouldn't be moved up to the pre-k class and b) he'd be going to college in Pull-Ups.  Months went by, every bribe was used.  Then one day at preschool, he went potty, clapped his hands, and said, "Oh!  My mommy is going to be so proud of me!" and never looked back.  Lesson learned?  Don't try to force a "milestone" onto Connor.  He WILL resist with impunity (same with riding a bike, after a few years of trying to get him on one, including a $100 deal that he declined, he hopped on one last summer and took right off).

4) While riding in his carseat at the age of 2 1/2, he told his future step-dad about a pattern.  Dylan, thinking he was a smart guy and could teach Connor a thing or two said, "What's a pattern?".  Connor responded immediately with, "It's something that repeats".  Connor 1, Dylan 0.

5) Thomas the Train invaded our house and lives for YEARS.  I still have the theme song to that show memorized.  Connor knew all of the trains and god forbid you called one of them by the wrong name--that would get you kicked off the train table.  One time at Target, he wanted me to buy him a train.  I said no and he stood rooted to the spot in the aisle, put his hands on his 3 year old hips and said (very loudly), "You've gotta be f*cking kidding me!".  Ouch.

6) From the time Connor was about 3, he started asking for a "baby stretchy".  He wanted a sibling.  When his preschool teachers asked why "stretchy", he said, "Because you need to stretch the baby...but only a little bit".

7) After asking for a sibling wasn't getting him anywhere, Connor (still about 3) decided to get a little more technical about it.  When Dylan, Connor and I were driving home from downtown Portland, he piped up from the backseat--"Hey Dylan, you know if you take Mommy on a date and then your sperm meets up with her egg a baby will grow in her womb".  Because he was 3, he pronounced it "wamb".

8) Dylan and I took a a week off once (basically sh*t or get off the pot Dylan, because I wanted to be married and have more kids).  Connor took the time apart harder then we did.  When I was getting ready to finally have dinner with Dylan after that week apart, Connor sat down and said, "Mommy, do you think you could let Dylan out of timeout now?  Because he's like my best friend".  Sweetest. Thing. Ever.

9) Connor was (is?) OBSESSED with Star Wars.  I never got, still don't get it (I have to watch the first three before the second three, but that's not how they're numbered or something???).  Anyway, he spent years CONVINCED that "galaxy" was pronounced "galaxcity".  We didn't tell him otherwise.  We tried once by showing him the word (since he could read) but he would not back down.

10) On topic of Star Wars, Connor received the Lego Death Star from Santa one year.  This thing was ridiculous (both in price and construction).  It came with a 3-ring binder of instructions.  My brother and his wife came to visit, and they decided to give it a go.  One afternoon, my brother dumped a container filled with the Legos.  Connor got wide-eyed, put his hands in the air, backed away and said, "Oh no...my mommy doesn't like messes" (no, I never beat him into keeping things clean--if you don't believe me, take a look at his backpack).

11) I volunteered countless hours in kindergarten.  There was a rug on the floor, separated into rows of colors.  The teacher would ask the children to sit down on a "color", then the teacher would dismiss the children by calling out a certain "color" (row).  For three days, Connor's row was never picked first.  On the 4th day, "it" happened (and of course I was volunteering).  Teacher asks Connor to sit down.  He remains silently standing.  Teacher repeats request.  Connor is still standing.  Teacher repeats request again with a little more irritation.  Connor says, "I can't sit down".  Silence in the classroom.  I even stop stapling the handouts I've been tasked with.  Teacher says, "Why not?".  Connor replies with, "For three days you have not chosen the color I pick to be dismissed first.  I would like to leave first today.  I will sit down as soon as you tell me what color you will call first today".

12) We have always maintained the idea that it's completely and absolutely important to use the bathroom WHEN YOU NEED TO GO.  In 2nd grade, his teacher and myself had a little run in.  She denied Connor bathroom privileges.  I understand that some children at that age have a tendency to abuse the bathroom privilege and use it as a chance to f*ck around.  Connor is not that child.  He does not like public bathrooms.  If he is asking to go, he HAS TO GO.  I met his teacher after school and after 20 (frustrating, hair-pulling and speaking through clenched teeth) minutes of addressing this issue, Connor popped his head in from the hallway and succinctly said what I'd been trying to get across the entire time, "When you have to GO, you have to GO.  It's your body's way of taking out the trash.  After all, don't you take your house trash out every week?  They don't take that away from you".  Well said, Connor.

13) For the life of me, I don't know what created the following situation, but a situation it was.  Connor is not an "aggressive" protester.  He'll do it quietly, but when he decides to protest, you know he's doing it.  This was in 3rd grade and I received a call from the principal.  Connor was refusing to come out from under his desk.  This had been going on for over an hour by this time.  They had to excuse the entire classroom to the playground because nobody could focus on anything but Connor.  The adults couldn't force (drag) him out.  So they called me.  I said to tell Connor that if I had to come get him, all bets were off.  Guess what?  Out he came.

14) Every spring, Connor loves to go to Home Depot (or Fred Meyer) and pick out pots, plants and flowers.  When we get them home, he'll dig right in and help me get them all planted and put out.  We've never named it a "thing", but it's a "thing".  Our "thing".

15) Connor has confidence that inspires me.  Just this year, in 4th grade, he entered his school talent show for the second time.  The first time, in 2nd grade, he danced the "Cupid Shuffle" to a Plain White T's song.  This year, he sang lead in his band.  They are called the 4th Dimension.  He sang his heart out, did mic tricks and danced like a boss.  All in front of a PACKED gymnasium.  So proud.

This post took me awhile to complete--not because I was lacking in ideas, but because there were (and continue to be) so many funny, ironic, intelligent and surprising qualities (and stories) that come out of Connor.  Just this morning, over waffles, he told me that it's the sperm and not the egg that determines gender.

Connor is going to change the world.  So maybe I won't be reading this list at just his prom night or high school graduation, but maybe also on the Today Show when he's going on a press tour after winning the Nobel Prize.  Or a Grammy.

Holy Technology & Baby Gear

Between having Connor and Bee, there were nine years.  However, I still remember most of the baby gear I used with Connor and I am blown away daily by the advances in the "new" baby gear.

Let's start with the carseat.  For Connor, I used a travel system that I got at my baby shower.  Did I research it's safety rating?  Of course not.  It's DESIGNED to be safe.  With Bee?  All kinds of information (and opinions--from friends, family, other moms, websites, magazines, Google, Amazon, Target and BabiesRUs employees...) were thrown at me.  There were brands to consider, colors, if you wanted a seat/stroller combo, or a seat that can fitted into a different model of stroller that you like better (of course that option requires ANOTHER piece of equipment to make them compatible), the weight of the carseat.  I was seriously considering the "duct tape option" because I was so overwhelmed.  Instead, I went with the most complicated option--a stroller that I really liked and would use for longer with a different brand of carseat that required the device to make it compatible with said stroller.  

Then, little Bee came along and we put him into his high-quality, high safety rating, sporty-looking carseat.  He hated it.  We had to deal with his backseat driving (screaming) for about six weeks, then we bit the bullet and bought ANOTHER carseat.  We bought him the same one Connor had only this model has a few extra bells & whistles.  Namely, a cow print.  Yes, I said it--Bee's carseat fabric looks like it should "moo" at you.  But guess what?  That cow print made him happier (or so I've convinced my husband who is not a fan)!

Bouncy seats.  But after nine years, Connor's little bouncer sucked hard compared to Bee's.  One of Bee's looked like a soft, furry papasan with hanging monkeys to stare at while music played and his little butt would vibrate.  The other LOOKED like a monkey and had a toy bar--a toy bar!  Bee would pull the banana and it would make sounds (again while playing music and vibrating his butt).  There were a few sleep deprived moments when I looked at that soft little papasan chair and deliriously wondered if my ass would fit in it, it was so nice.  Total sidenote: I finally realized what the vibrating does--it shakes the poops and gas out.

Once Bee got heavy and we were on the hunt for a better way to carry him around.  Enter Baby Bjorn.  Connor hated his, but since I'd witnessed all the improvements in the other baby gear I figured Bee would have to love it, right (I mean, the model I chose DID have back support)?  No--and after some serious reconsideration, what boy wants his balls crunched up to his butt crack while circulation is cut off to his legs?  On top of that, there is no place to rest their head (Mom's boobs are too low), and their arms just dangle around.  Message to Baby Bjorn--the pics on your boxes are LIES.  You photo shopped those smiling kids and parents (especially the boy baby's smile--totally fake).

Now that Bee is good with sitting in the front seat of shopping carts, I bought one of those shopping cart covers.  I brought the cover home and for a second I thought I was seeing (and reading) incorrectly.  This thing had, wait for it...A PLASTIC, WATERPROOF "SLIP" TO PUT YOUR iPAD, iPHONE OR ANY OTHER GADGET IN.  WTF!?!?!?  I thought, if a kid can work one of those gadgets at the age that he still is using the cover, you should throw out the gadget and enroll the kid at Harvard.  I'm using that plastic slip as a snack sack.

I caved a few weeks ago and bought a new stroller.  It takes up less space in my trunk, it's lighter, much easier to maneuver.  This new stroller coincidentally is also named the "Bee" (that had NOTHING to do with my decision, I promise).  There is a big problem with this stroller though--I don't know how to use it.  I've read the instructions, I've practiced many hours (not 10,000 which Malcom Gladwell would recommend--Google that and show your kids when they don't want to practice something), I've tried with and without shoes, I bruised my freaking foot, I've let loose more expletives than any human should ever hear, I've had my husband try, my nanny try...we can only get 50% success if we're lucky.  So this afternoon I'm putting it to the final test with my good friend who is also a nanny.  If she can't get it, it's going back and I'll suck it up and use the one I already have.  

On a final note:  I KNOW I am a marketer's dream.  I AM their target audience.  I am SO gullible.  So let me tell you honestly...don't believe all the hype.  I do and it bites me in the ass all the time.

10 Things To Expect After A Baby

The title of this entry is bogus.  To try and only pick out 10 things to expect after having a baby is like trying to get away with only wearing a shirt and no pants to Target and have nobody stare at you.  Impossible.  But, I wanted to try...

1) Your baby will look funny as a newborn.  Both Connor and Bee were gorgeous babies, but my DNA is superior (I kid, I kid).  Be prepared that your baby will not come out looking like a toddler.  It's head might be oddly shaped, their eyes might look squinty, their skin may look red...but most importantly, they will be beautiful to you--and that's what matters.

2) The first poops are terrible.  Not because they stink, but the consistency is just...bizarre.  Bee did his doody (pun-intended) right out of the chute.  Child was FULL of it (granted, he was probably still processing the amniotic fluid filled with PF Changs and marshmallows).  Whether you have a boy or a girl, when you're changing those diapers, it's like trying to peel rubber cement off the final draft of your essay as a kid.  Oh, and since it takes so long to get them clean, you will most definitely get peed on (there is where you can be jealous of those with girls since boys tend to aim and release straight up--in your face).

3) The first few days can be difficult because you want to be home snuggling and resting with your new baby.  Instead, you are forced to take them (and their weak immune system, the horror!) out into the world to make a ridiculous amount of doctor's appointments.  I never got this.  It's like "Hey!  Let's put some sleep-deprived (and hormonal) parents behind the wheel of a car with a newborn baby in the back and have them criss-cross a metro area--GENIUS!".  You will become on a first name basis with your local drive-thru Starbucks barista.

4) Sleep deprivation finally hits and a fog settles over your house.  Everyone answers in grunts, some may fall asleep brushing their teeth (hey, the Sonicare does have a relaxing white noise about it), you forget when breakfast, lunch and dinner should happen and your oldest child will become a superhero--Connor was still getting his sleep, regular food schedule and having fun so he was the "upper" in house.  If you have older children, they will provide that foray into reality when you really need it--and also more than a few laughs.

5) After the dust settles, a routine can help.  However, don't be fooled into thinking that you, as the parent, decides and implements said routine the first time.  This little creature will absolutely put YOU on the schedule first.  Let them do that for awhile...and then slowly sneak in changes.  Some babies respond and settle in right away (Connor), some resist (Bee) and will continue to resist until...well, we're still working on that.

6) You will be afraid to take your baby out in public because you don't want to be "that parent" with the screaming kid.  But guess what?  EVERYONE loves babies (well, mostly everyone.  The ones that don't are like cats that don't like kids--they will hide).  However, if you do have a baby in full meltdown mode because they have a need not being met (dirty diaper, hungry, pissed that you wouldn't let them continue to suck on the Mentos on display) and they ARE stopping traffic, please do the nice thing and take them into a quieter place to calm them down.  You'll feel better and baby will feel better.

7) You might resent your spouse if you're the one staying at home with the baby--I know I did.  I felt like my job wasn't as important, but I was wrong.  I was tasked with something just as important--raising two beautiful boys.  I don't get a paycheck, but hugs and kisses, drooly and toothless grins, and "I love you Mommy" are things you can't put a price tag on (but seriously Dylan, I do kind of hate you just a little tiny bit when you travel--because I love hotels and room service).

8) The family will change in the best and worst ways.  Everyone becomes closer and shares in the excitement of this new addition.  However, older kids can feel left out, spouses snap at each other, mom can lose her sh*t over something obscenely unimportant and go cry in her closet, and family dinners may take a backseat to takeout and quesadillas.  But that's okay.  Remind all of your kids that you love them.  Thank your spouse for going through this with you.  This is where I suggest that you cry IN the shower so you can get clean, and then IN your closet so you can get dressed, and THEN in your car as you take a drive by yourself for 10 minutes to get takeout.

9) Pictures will become your favorite thing to take and look at.  I've been like this forever with Connor, and now with Bee, it's ridiculous.  Look!  Connor is eating a waffle, take a picture!  Bee is staring at the cat, take a picture!  Ohmigoodness, both of my adorable boys are TOGETHER, looking cute AND Bee is touching Connor's head--quick, take the damn picture!  Remember to also get them framed or put in photo books.  My husband's job might be all about "The Cloud" but I still don't trust "The Cloud" to keep my images safe (and for the last time, "The Cloud" is just the freaking Internet people).

10) You will miss the time you had with your spouse.  You will each be pulled in so many different directions that it's difficult to be pulled TOGETHER.  Let friends, godparents, a nanny, etc. take your kids for awhile so you can get out (trust me, your kids will be FINE).  After all, you really don't want to end up as the couple who wakes up 20 years later (after the kids are gone) and says in shock, "Who the f*ck are you?!?!?  How long have you been there?!?!?" while reaching for your can of mace.

Trying to prepare for life after a new baby is like wondering what world peace might feel like.  Or like my friend and I were talking about, trying to imagine what infinity is.  It's overwhelming and scary.  I think it's truly one of those life changes you just jump and figure it out later as you go along.

The "Force" Is NOT With Me

I consider myself to be of reasonable intelligence, street smart as well as book smart.  So why is it that I routinely get out-smarted by two little boys, ages 7 months and 10 years?

The worst part is, is that I thought I might have a chance that little Bee may never outsmart me (or at least not start negotiating at 16 months like Connor did).  I would just cut all of those intelligence-boosting games, books, etc. off at the pass that I used with Connor.  But guess what?  I couldn't remove the one PERSON that could pass those tips and tricks along--Connor himself.

Oh, yes.  Somehow Connor got to Bee.  I'm not sure when it happened, or HOW it happened (considering Bee doesn't yet "talk" or even sit up by himself), but it happened.  Connor has officially started to pass along the Jedi mind-tricks to Bee.

Connor's Jedi tricks and negotiations started early and went something like this--upon entering an unfamiliar Target, Connor (obsessed with Thomas the Train) would separate the weakest of the "animals" (adults) from the herd and say (while scratching his chin--pretty cute for a 2 year old), "Hmm...*insert weakest link's name here* I wonder if they have Thomas at this Target?".  He would walk away with a train.

Connor's Jedi tricks and negotiations now are often easier to spot, but are harder to negotiate with.  His greatest trick is allowing you to honestly BELIEVE you have out-negotiated him so you have therefore won the fight.  Wrong.  An hour or even days later it hits you--you completely lost that battle. And Connor has most likely been smiling and patting himself on the back the entire time you thought you had busted his tactics.

Now little Bee...his Jedi lessons have just begun.  The first one?  Nap time.  When it is not nap time, Bee is loud--he loves to talk and sing to himself, he stomps his heels on the floor, tears apart his playmat, rolls around and pulls himself all over.  He'll jump in his Jumparoo, wrestle stuffed animals...you get the picture.  He's a very busy baby and you always know where he is in the house.  Nap time was always the time Bee was quiet because he was SLEEPING.  Well, not anymore.  At least not 60% of the time.

Here's the deal--he does everything right to lead me along.  He gets a little whiny, rubs his eyes, looks for Tucker (his lovey), and then goes quiet as I leave the room.  I even use a monitor and I hear him quiet in there.  But he's not always napping.  Oh, no.  When he finally gets bored of trying to yank his socks off or throwing Tucker around, (often an hour to an hour 1/2 later), he'll start jabbering away again wanting to get up.  Lately, my instincts tell me he has most definitely NOT been sleeping.  Why? Because ten minutes after waking up he is truly exhausted and really cranky.

I have witnesses to prove this happens.  My husband.  My nanny.  My friends.  My family.  I'm NOT crazy.  Both of my boys are working their intelligence AGAINST me.  A gift from me to them, through my DNA.  They now use it was some sort of weaponry.  Connor?  Master negotiator.  He'll talk you in circles until you throw your hands up in defeat.  Bee?  His current label is Nap Ninja.  I'm afraid to think about what Connor teaches Bee next...

10 Things About Bee

And, here is my littlest Bee's list...all this and only 7 months old!

1) Bee almost arrived on my birthday (July 28th) but was nice and came on the 23rd instead
2) He is a Leo born in the Year of the Dragon
3) Bee likes spinach mixed with blueberries
4) Bee does not like pureed broccoli
5) He is a maniac on his playmat and takes his stuffed animals to town--he is also known to toss bowls, cups and utensils all the way across the kitchen
6) Bee loves taking walks in his stroller, but hates when you stop moving
7) He is OBSESSED with lights, and if it's dark outside but he sees a light not on, he gets excited and wants it turned on right away
8) Bee hated his infant carseat but now when he has to ride in it with my friend he doesn't make a peep
9) He has already outgrown most all of his 9 month clothes, mostly in length
10) Bee loves music and likes to watch those around him dance and sing--he's already recognizing favorite songs

I can't wait for the next six months...every day something new happens with him!

10 Things About Connor

I'm stealing this idea from a friend--but I thought it'd be fun to do a post for both of my boys (and maybe me if I get around to it) listing 10 things unique to them.  We'll start with Connor...

1) Connor was born with preemie ears (they were all smooshy) because he was 36 weeks (not 38).
2) He despises any blueberries that are "squishy, have spots on them, lumpy, oddly colored or dry"
3) The only green things he'll eat are peas (sometimes) and spinach (but with no dressing, just plain and uncooked).
4) Connor is addicted to reading and like to own hardcover copies of his favorite books
5) He loves brownies and Fudgesicles but will rarely eat any other candies or sweets
6) Connor broke his arm last May right before school ended, it was his right one.  He still managed to write, draw, color AND ride his scooter
7) He probably owns at least 1/2 of everything Lego has come out with over the past 5 years
8) Connor has a photographic memory, which can be a blessing or a curse
9) Even though he has been bullied, he will always do the right thing--even if it means standing up for the person who bullied him (like holding the bus for the neighborhood tormentor)
10) Connor absolutely cannot lie.  He might try, but he comes clean about 5 seconds later

There are many, many more...and that's why everyone who meets Connor loves him.  Knowing him will change your life.

My Bucket List

Living in Oregon means that we have two seasons--7 months of rain and cold, cloudy weather (we call this fall/winter), and 5 months of moderately warm temperatures and sunshine approximately 80% of the time (spring/summer).  During those 7 months of feeling like the gray sky with the rain and clouds are slowly closing in on you, you have to find ways to keep your mind occupied (and also keep yourself amused).

So I came up with a list of things I'd eventually love to do.  Some are funny, some are completely irrational, some will obviously never happen, many would probably get me arrested, but they are all honest.  Here goes:

1) Win the lottery and pay the State of Oregon to put some damn reflective paint on the highways.  For the life of me, with weather like this, it's a pain in the ass to not be able to see which lane you're supposed to be in.
2) Buy a retired cop car.  Sit in front of my son's school in the car with a blowdryer pointed at the cars going by.  They all drive way too fast and it pisses me off.
3) Use the rest of my lottery earnings to buyout the Beaverton school district.  Connor, his peers, my aunt (who is a teacher in the district) and everyone else who lives in the district deserve great teachers, good pay, and a fantastic educational experience.
4) Buy a Vespa.  Drive it around Bethany with Bee in a front basket (both wearing helmets of course).
5) Spend an afternoon following around these 4 year old twins I know and only do what they do.  No correcting them, just follow them around and participate in their activities.
6) Walk into St. Vincent's emergency room with some "affliction".  When I am finally seen, ask if Dr. Doug Ross (aka George Clooney) is working.  When I am told he's not there, walk out of ER still in hospital gown, get pissed off and throw a chair.
7) Like #6, book a flight on United.  Upon check-in, say I want to confirm that Sully Sullenberger will be piloting the plane.  Again, when I am denied, kick my suitcase over and say, "Oh, so maybe it'll be Denzel Washington then?!?!?  He was GREAT in that movie Flight!"
8) Find a magic spell to create an invisible emotional and physical shield around Connor and Bee that will protect them from anything painful for the rest of their lives--only they will never know it's there.
9) When I get pulled over for speeding next time (note, I say "when" because this happens frequently), hand the officer my required information and then crawl into the backseat, out of the trunk and run like crazy screaming, "They've found me!  They've found me!"
10) Start teleporting myself and anyone else who wants to take trips with me.
11) Capture that damn laundry fairy and give her a stern talking to.
12) If the laundry fairy doesn't start doing her damn job, fire her and mandate that our family become nudists.  At home, school, work, etc.
13) Help Dylan start his own consulting firm.
14) Take all of my "boys" to wherever they want in the world.  Fill their passports with stamps and their mind with amazing memories.
15) Make all my friends, family and loved ones impervious to stress, pain, loneliness and disappointment.  May all of those that I love only lead lives of happiness.  Because they are all wonderful and they all deserve at least that.

That's it for now.  I'm sure I'll add on to this list because if the current outside weather is any indication, I'm going to have a few more chances to daydream...

Buzz, Buzz...Bee!!

Bee was my partner in crime today.  We went to the doctor's office, ran a few errands and he supervised my laundry job here at home.  Then of course, he napped while I continued on with said laundry job (supervising is EXHAUSTING apparently).

As I was putting Bee down for a nap, I was struck by how big he is.  Did he ever *really* fit in those newborn diapers I found in the closet?  Did he ever lay still to have his diaper changed?  Because these days, changing his diapers or putting on his clothes is like trying to wrangle a steer.

Then, I gave little Bee his "Tucker" (lovey).  As he snuggled and rubbed his face, I saw a glimpse of the newborn that we brought home last July.  And when he woke up from his nap all sleepy and put his little chubby arms around me and nuzzled my neck I swear I smelled the "newborn" smell on him.  

Now, he's tearing apart his playmat and wrestling his stuffed bunny (I can never tell who is winning because the bunny DOES keep coming back for more).  He's surrounded by toys I never thought he'd be big enough to play with.  Time (and life) has a way of screaming right past you.

Bee, I fall more in love with you every single day.  Your grins and giggles crack me up.  We have difficult days, but on those days, after you go to bed, all I can think about is how to make tomorrow better for you--because after all, you make my days perfect.  

I am the luckiest woman ever because I have two of the most incredible boys I could have asked for.  I am lucky to be tasked with raising them to be amazing men.

One Thing Created Just To Make Mommies Smile...

an unrequested hug and kiss on the cheek from a nine year son followed by, "I love you, Mama"--then running off into his room to do homework.

I was stuck between smiling and crying as he ran off--and that was a good place to be.  I'm proud of him for all he has accomplished, for how far he has come, and for what a wonderful little man he is becoming.

But, I will always, ALWAYS see him as my sweet, chubby-cheeked boy obsessed with Thomas the Train.

Connor, I love you.  More than you will ever know.  One day when you have kids you'll understand the enormity of love and admiration a parent has for their children.  Until then, you'll have to keep giving me those surprise moments of love and attention, okay?  I love you Bubba.

My Mind is Officially BLOWN

I may never, ever recover from a segment today on the Today Show.  In case you haven't read my short "bio", I am completely OCD.  Seriously--no joke, I've even had people with M.D. after their name tell me that I am (not just WebMD folks, ok?).  I absolutely do NOT want to make light of this at all.  However, being OCD, I have learned that I have to laugh at myself and my habits sometimes or else I would just think I was batshit crazy ALL of the time (not just 80% of the time).

I'm not OCD in the way that I check things a certain number or times, or count steps (ahem, Dylan), etc.  I am OCD about cleaning.  My obsessiveness about having a clean house can take away hours from my day (or days at a time, that's when it's *really* bad).  I can't stand dirty floors.  I don't like to wear socks in the house until nighttime (duh, because that's when they start to get cold), so if I step on the smallest crumb on the floor barefoot, I want to crawl out of my skin.  Then, I bend myself into ridiculous yoga positions to find that ONESINGLEPIECE of crap on my floor.  I can guarantee you that it's only one piece because I most likely Swiffer vacuumed just an hour before (can someone explain why these things go out?  They run on f*cking batteries after all.  I digress).

Enter having kids, two indoor cats and one husband.  That part of my life and my OCD don't always go hand in hand.  For one thing, microscopic pieces of cat litter on bare floor sends a ripple down my spine.  Toothpaste dried in the sink makes my stomach turn (don't even get me started on the "spit spots" on my mirror).  Toilets are NOT my friend.  I hate the way they look, I hate the way they can smell, I basically hate why they even exist (we can send people into space but we are still forced to crap?  They haven't found a way out of this yet?).

So I did what anyone else in my situation would do--I do bootcamps with those I live with.  When my first son was being potty-trained, I put a container of Clorox wipes next to the toilet (no, I did not allow him to use a "baby potty" because expecting an OCD mom to empty out a shit receptacle multiple times a day is just plain abuse) and taught him out to wipe down the toilet so there were no pee stains on the rim or on the seat.  Success!  His wife is going to LOVE me.

My husband was a little bit more difficult and training is not quite complete (most former bachelors will always be a work in progress).  To spare him, I won't go into details, however I'll leave you with this--he has mastered the Clorox trick but we're still working on not leaving certain devices within spitting distance of the toilet.

The cats?  Well, that one has worked out VERY nicely and I didn't have to do much about it.  Turns out they love, no prefer, to do their business outside.  So the litterbox is just pretty much taking up space in my laundry room.  Now, I am still afraid to walk barefoot outside for fear of kitty roca ending up on my feet, but hey, I consider this one a win--no scooping (for the scooping I would use disposable gloves and disposable face masks), no odor, no nothing.  Success!

Now my littlest little, Bee...well, I'm thinking he might have a more difficult time graduating from "Mommy's OCD Bootcamp".  It's early yet, but he hates having his hands and face washed, doesn't really care if his room smells like a shit bomb of spinach, squash and apples, and isn't one of those babies that delight in baths.  We'll see.  The teaching has already begun, I believe in consistency being key here.

Enter the Today Show this morning.  Segment on bacteria in your kitchen.  For me, this is like trying to divert Bee's attention from lightbulbs (I don't know, he's fascinated by lighting)--NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.  Even though my brain tells me to turn the channel, I am rooted to the spot, hand on remote. I was elated to see that I knew AND followed all of the "kitchen cleanliness" rules (no salmonella surprise here people!).  But the last one.  Oh, the last one.  If you have chipped dishes, cups, etc. bacteria is HIDING in those chips.  I believe they even said that the smallest chip can have the MOST bacteria.  Now I ask you, how many people with kids DON'T have dishes with chips?

Full breakdown.  I can tell you right now that I have a coffee cup downstairs with a chip on the rim.  The part that touches my MOUTH.  Eeeewwww...I want to rinse my mouth with bleach.  My mind is BLOWN.  I'm not sure if I can recover.

Here is something to blow YOUR mind, though (and please no snotty comments about wasting money and stuff, this is for peace of mind)--one of my best girlfriends is my housekeeper.  An OCD mom with a housekeeper.  To me, it makes perfect sense.  Why would I not want my house even cleaner?  She might get things I didn't even see!  It's like wearing a sweater under a jacket.  Double-covered in case of any emergency.

Even better?  She's on her way here today...

Minecraft

Minecraft.  Minecraft.  Minecraft.  I'm just saying it a few times to see if I can "glamour" myself into falling into the hype.  Nope, didn't work.  I honestly do not understand the excitement and utter obsession over this game.  It's ridiculous.

It all started innocently enough--Connor's dad asked if he could get Connor this game (Minecraft) for use on his XBox (I guess his dad felt the need to actually ask my permission for once because said XBox lives at our house?  Gee, thanks).  By agreeing, I had unwittingly opened the door to a subversive, child personality-altering online game.  At this point, most of Connor's friends were into the game too, so it has to be okay, right?  But like us, these parents also had no clue how this game would ultimately consume every waking minute of consciousness for our children (and Halloween costumes.  And wardrobe choices.  And Christmas gift wish lists.  Oh, and in my particular case, use of my cell phone for approximately 3 hours every afternoon while they call their friend, put them on speaker and chat incessantly about the game).

It happened slowly, apparently innocently.  First, Minecraft on the XBox.  Then since the XBox is hooked up to our only TV in the house and there were times where we wanted to watch something but Connor wanted to use his screen time to play, Connor negotiated Minecraft on his laptop.  Problem solved, or so we thought.

NO.  Problem NOT solved.  Problem made MUCH worse.  Suddenly, Connor started waking up looking like a just-out-of-college software programmer who drinks Mt. Dew out of a Super Big Gulp while spending his nights slamming away on a keyboard in a cage at some high-tech company.  What I mean to say is, his eyes were red.  Dark under-eye circles (in my defense, not a first thing of worry, these things are unfortunately genetic).  Then, in addition to above changes, his eyes starting looking glassy all of the time.

Then the back-talking started.  Who was this kid?  He didn't want to talk to anyone after school, did his homework so he could go "play" in his room.  Stopped arguing about going to bed.  Look, I trusted him.  He did get busted a few times over the summer playing at night, but after making Dylan promise not to tell me (get real, Dylan is forced to tell me everything--duh, we're married), Connor promised he wouldn't do it anymore.

Fast forward 7 months.  Minecraft addiction still as strong as ever.  But, because Connor is trust-worthy (and yes, sometimes I need him occupied so I can do something around the house or make dinner), I kept allowing him to play.  Talking to other parents though, we all began to agree that this game had infiltrated our house, our lives, our children.  They were like Pod People.  As parents, we were over it.

Then last night happened.  Connor had a "man's night" with Dylan.  They ordered pizza, watched a movie, Dylan even let him stay up until 10pm.  This morning, when we woke up to make Matthew's bottle, I noticed Connor's eyes and the fact that he was basically vibrating (you know, when you're so tired you can't sit still without fear of falling asleep?).  I asked the question.  He gave me the answer.  He had been playing Minecraft ALL NIGHT--as in, 10pm-6:30am.  WTF?!?!?!?  I expected, at worse, that he would admit to playing since maybe 5am.  Never all night.

I appreciated his honesty, but I was so pissed off that I sent him straight back up to bed after making him remove EVERYSINGLEDEVICE in his bedroom (and the chargers).  After cooling down, Connor woke up.  We talked about how it would've been worse had he lied to us so we appreciated him being honest.  However, we explained how we felt taken advantage of--we'd trusted him.  Trust is a hard thing to earn and even more difficult to get back once lost.

So in the end, he's grounded.  No more Minecraft.  Yes, he's had a few dramatic hours today after learning of his punishment (he is my child after all, I would've been worried had he NOT given me a few dramatic comments and slumped shoulders).

I'm not sure how long the grounding will last, if Minecraft will ever be allowed to be played on ANY device in our house again, or if Connor will ever be able to keep his laptop in his bedroom again.  It's difficult to be letdown as a parent.  It's even harder though to figure out the appropriate punishment.  I am now beginning to understand why my parents would say, "This hurts us as much as it hurts you" or "I love you very much, but I don't like your actions".

I still love Connor with every ounce of my being.  I respect that he told the truth where it would've been easier to lie.  I hope that this is a one time offense and we don't have to do this again.  What I do know for sure though, is that everyone learned a lesson today, as parents and as a child.  As a parent, being shocked and disappointed hurts.  And punishing someone you love hurts even more.