I have a feeling this entry will be more of a rant than anything. I'm just in that kind of mood--like I've gotta get it out there. It's been about a week now of majorly interrupted sleep, a clingy and teething baby, complete disappointment in myself that I can't somehow "fix" his problems (I'm a fixer by nature, you see...), and the fact that I miss my oldest son like nobody's business.
Connor goes to his dad's house on a (fairly) regular basis. We've been apart since before Connor can remember, and have had this schedule for just as long, but it has never gotten any easier. Connor is my best friend in the whole world. He makes me laugh, he knows me so well that if he can sense I'm feeling tired/sick/etc will say something to perk me back up. Basically, we've been peas in a pod since he was well, a pea in a pod. I love him like a crazy person. We've always done everything together. And when he's gone, I miss him like a crazy person--I catch myself wondering what he's doing, if he's having fun, did he brush AND floss his teeth, etc., etc. But most of all, I wonder if he's missing me too.
I also have to be honest about something--parenting little Bee right now sucks. It sucks hard. WARNING: here comes my ranting and complaining...I am tired. So tired I probably shouldn't even get behind the wheel of a car at this point. I am dreading nighttime. My body and mind wants sleep so badly that it physically and emotionally hurts. I know that you don't remember the hard times later (just like you supposedly don't remember how awful labor & delivery *really* is), but when you're in the trenches of an episode of tough parenting, it's awful for everyone involved.
And I'm weepy. And bitchy. I know it's because I'm tired and I miss Connor, and I know that it's not my normal attitude in life. But I have no respect for those who pretend everything is just peachy all the time. I'd rather be a true, crazy, passionate person than a fake Stepford wife (yes, I am talking to you lady at Connor's school who always has your hair and makeup done and wears matching Nike outfits with your husband--that's just plan weird, ok? Seriously. Who decided to do that? If it was you, how did you get him to agree? And if it was him...well...again, weird. Creeps me out).
So yeah...I guess I'm stuck with accepting the fact that missing Connor sucks, parenting little Bee through this teething firestorm means physical and mental exhaustion, and that I'm quite likely to be a royal b*tch until one or the other lets up. But like my favorite new quote goes, "Accepting something and liking it are totally different things".
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