Dylan was a TA (for those that don't know, it's basically an exhausting babysitting job for a high-level executive - you feed their ego, make sure they're in the right place at the right time, put in all the long hours and all the hard work and then sit back and watch from the sidelines while they take most of the credit) for over two years. Those years were torturous for many reasons but I did take away a very important idea from one of the execs he worked with - it's called the "Conservation of Anxiety". The idea is that when you find yourself endlessly worrying about something you ask yourself two things, is someone (or should someone) else be worrying about this instead of me, and will worrying about this change the outcome? It sounds simple enough, but in reality, living by this motto is something of an art form.
As a mom, worrying is as necessary to my existence as is wine (usually the former dictates the need for the latter). While worrying is normal and most often helpful, it can also completely rule your life if you're not careful. Guess what? I'm not careful and so therefore, I figured that it was about time to try and utilize the "Conservation of Anxiety" idea that I have idolized for so many years. I will admit, I was feeling pretty cocky about how easy this lifestyle change would be and how painless the whole process would be.
I was wrong. Dead wrong. The first day, I dropped Connor off at school. On the 30 second drive home, I found myself obsessing over how many pieces of spinach Connor would get at lunch (sidenote: Connor loves buying lunch. I hate not having control over what he's eating so we negotiated a deal - he can buy lunch as long as he promises to pick two healthy "sides", one usually being spinach...or so he says...). I told myself to stop worrying because worrying wasn't going to change anything. Next, I realized that Dylan forgot his lunch in the refrigerator that morning (nevermind the fact that I reminded him no less than five times that morning to grab it). Panic sets in, I picture Dylan fainting in his office from low blood sugar and then nobody helping him because he's been such a tyrant at work lately and they would all welcome an incapacitated boss for a few hours. I am about to drive the damn lunch all the way to Jones Farm when I realize that would make me late for my pilates class. Shit! More worry! If I miss the class, I will now have three makeups to do and there is definitely not enough time in my week to get that done, I don't have enough time to warn my pilates instructor so what if she's pissed because she has some elaborate class plan today that me being absent would most definitely sabotage...worry, worry, worry...tell myself to cut it out and pick what's most important - Dylan, you lose. The lunch will be there tomorrow.
That was just my morning. The afternoon brought another slew of worries, where is the cat (and is he out eating roadkill which will end in him getting worms and me paying yet another ginormous vet bill), why didn't the WSJ get delivered, should I just tip over the neighbor's garbage cans because they have been out there for days and I'm tired of looking at them, is Connor f-ing with his teacher again, when can I get to Target to get more laundry detergent because if I don't do at least two loads a day it will mess up my weekly laundry process, and so on and so on. It's amazing my brain hasn't gotten up and left without a ransom note by this time.
As I'm sitting in the parking lot of the school waiting to pick Connor up (while writing out my to-do list for the next day which also incites a major amount of stress and worry), something dawns on me - I am failing at the "Conservation of Anxiety". I don't accept failure so I immediately try and figure out a way to at least get one "win" in for the day. I rack my brain and decide to let go of two things - one, trying to navigate the grocery store with Connor in tow to get goods for dinner and two, feeling the need to call Dylan every five minutes after five o'clock to see when he's going to be home.
Later that night, while taking a wonderful bath, I realized that the best thing happened that day - the world didn't fall apart. I let go of two things and ended up having a fantastic afternoon and evening. Connor and I got to play at the park instead of coercing him to go on yet another errand and while Dylan did end up having to work late, he made up for it by picking us up takout after Connor was in bed and we had a nice dinner on the couch catching up on some TV shows.
I'm not going to kid myself into believing that I will live the rest of my days by the "Conservation of Anxiety". As it is, I am only a few weeks into trying to get a handle on my worrying and I fail regularly. I wasn't even sure if it was really making a difference until Dylan remarked this weekend with, "You seem so much more relaxed lately". Coming from him, that's the best compliment I can ever receive. I think the most important thing that I have realized is that I CAN let go and nothing bad will happen - I'm not saying that I always will, but I know that I can.
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