"I Don't Get To Go When I Need To Go"

Oh, the joys of being a parent of a grade-schooler. Kindergarten was a mess and a complete waste of time. Two hours a day, five days a week. What can you really do with twenty kids in two hours? Short answer: nothing. The highlight of the year was when Connor threw a chair and when prompted to tell the teacher why he did it, he responded with, "Because Spongebob told me to".

First grade has proven to be challenging as well. Mrs. Smith (not her real name, that would be too normal and too cute for her) and I have VERY different takes on life. Mrs. Smith lives in a 900 square foot studio apartment with her husband and son. I also have to note that this studio has no doors or walls (I wonder how much the therapy bill will be for her son as he gets older). She also told the children last week on Earth Day that they should not eat red meat because doing so creates carbon dioxide which could take away all the oxygen we have and might create the end of the world. Connor definitely understands carbon dioxide so of course this caused him to spin into a panic attack later that night when I served ground beef tacos for dinner. He was convinced that he could possibly cause the end of the world and that would mean the Blazers would definitely not make it far in the playoffs. No six year old should have that burden on his shoulders (and I'm glad he was more concerned with guys making absurd amounts of money then with the safety of his immediate family).


I definitely believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, lifestyle choices and moral takes on life - for instance, I shared with Mrs. Smith during the Valentine's Day party how I recycle every day - I take the plastic Target bags, scoop the kitty-roca from the litter box in them, tie them up and toss them in the trash. I was disappointed by the look on her face, it was almost one of horror when I thought she would be proud. I really want to ask her if she takes prescription meds to help her deal with the anxiety she must feel when she looks at the school parking lot on any given day stuffed with vans and SUVs, the trunks loaded with massive amounts of food from Costco and bags full of overpriced produce from Whole Foods, and children dressed in expensive designer jeans. While I am not guilty of all of those offenses, I think it's safe to say that I am the walking example of her worst nightmare and she probably calls me "Lucifer" behind my back.


Our latest throwdown happened over bathroom privileges. Just typing "bathroom privileges" makes me wince - since when is relieving yourself a privilege? Anyway, Connor informed me that he missed his afternoon recess last week because he went to the bathroom after lunch. Since Mrs. Smith has taken to not returning my phone calls or emails, I decided to "just drop in" after school to the classroom to calmly discuss the bathroom issue. I told her the story I had heard while thinking deep down that she will surely have a rational explanation for what happened. Maybe Connor threw a chair again or maybe he decided after he returned from the bathroom that it would be a great idea to throw a dance party on the desks. In reality, she completely agreed with the story and added the clarification that if children use the bathroom earlier than thirty minutes after lunch they lose their afternoon recess. Dumbfounded, I asked her what her motivation for this was and she replied with, "Well I don't get to go when I need to go - I have to wait until my breaks, so why shouldn't they?" I didn't dive into the fact that these are KIDS and therefore their bladders are much smaller than adults. I also wanted to ask her how many accidents she's had in class and which is worse, allowing kids to go when they need to go or mopping up pee and dealing with a mortified student? Instead, I said, "If you are looking for sympathy and understanding from 6 and 7 year olds, good luck. They don't care or understand. They are more concerned with snacktime and recess, not when you can take your potty breaks".


Until this point I had assumed Connor was still waiting down the hall, out of earshot. I was wrong. Just when I finished my heated response to Mrs. Smith, Connor appeared beside me and dropped this bomb of knowledge, "You know Mrs. Smith, when you have to use the bathroom it's like your body's way of taking out it's trash. If you don't go when you need to go you can get an infection and get sick. Would you keep a full trash can in your garage? Of course not".


Next time I go toe-to-toe with Mrs. Smith I'm sending Connor in first. I'll be Robin to his Batman. He summed up everything I wanted to say in a calm and fact-based statement. A beautiful ending to a frustrating situation.