Sometimes I believe that if I put something in writing, on a computer or on a piece of paper, it might just come true. This is why I have titled this entry "Positive Thinking For Next Week!" (in my head I imagine someone like Tony Robbins shouting this at me while fist-pumping--perhaps I also would've added a couple of exclamation points because those always seem to get me hyped up). In reality, I am dreading next week. Next week, I embark on what could just be the most anticipated and anxiety-inducing trip ever know to mankind. I am moving the Bee into the crib, full-time. No do-overs, no excuses this time.
Let me explain...Bee sleeps wonderfully in his crib at night. He usually averages between 11-12 hours a night. Trust me, I know I'm lucky. The problem is, his naps. It started when he was a newborn, so I broke out the swing as a last resort and TA-DA!!!! Napping began. It even helped him get into a consistent napping ROUTINE (god, I LOVE that word) for a few months.
We encountered the first issue when he was about 4 months old. Bee was getting so heavy that the battery-operated swing would run through three D batteries with every nap. If the batteries ran out mid-nap? No dice--he would scream and there was no way to replace them quietly. Most people would have used this as a prime time for the transition...but not us. Bee wasn't sleeping through the night yet and we (okay, I) needed those naps for sanity savers during the day. Off to Target we went and bought a new swing. Don't worry, we were smart about it. We bought a swing that plugs in, no batteries needed.
Two months went by and things were still humming along. Bee was napping *pretty* well, AND he began to sleep through the night about 80% of the time. I started envisioning rainbows, unicorns prancing through tulips while bathed in sunlight, and practically skipped everywhere I went, that's how good I was feeling.
In the beginning of January, I took both of the boys back to Virginia to visit my family. My mom didn't have a swing and neither did my brother and sister-in-law (their youngest was about to turn 2 and my brother had tossed out most of the baby gear. Ass-Munch. Kidding, I love my brother and his little family). Bee was sleeping in a Pack n' Play in a closet in my parent's bedroom. Now, before you call CPS, it wasn't child abuse--it is a huge closet, basically soundproof and the darkest place in the house. He slept great at night and even took a few good naps in the Pack n' Play (I didn't have unrealistic expectations on naps back there--time change, on vacation, having fun, etc. was more important). Here's where I got stupid...because a smart person would've moved Bee right into his crib for naps when we got home because he had been without the swing for over a week. He had basically already gone through swing detox AND rehab.
In my defense, I tried. I tried VERY hard. For about two days. Then I caved--for both good and selfish reasons. Bee WASN'T napping in his crib and was so cranky throughout the day. Selfishly, I wanted a couple of hours of peace and quiet back. So, back into the swing he went.
Now the day is lurking on the horizon--I feel as much trepidation and anxiety as when I left Connor at kindergarten that first day. Bee is almost 8 months. He's the size of an 18 month old (this is a true story--one of my friends has an 18 month old boy and he and Bee could probably share clothes). The swing doesn't really "swing" that much because he's so heavy. Just the other day, I caught him trying to "sit up" in the swing (more like launch himself out of it because he was just not as excited as I was that day about nap time). It's now become a safety hazard. Also, he's not napping in it as well as he used to. No surprise there--his head butts up against the damn net in the back and his chubster thighs basically dwarf the buckle on the harness.
So, we soldier on to more grown-up pastures little Bee. Your crib is nice and comfy. You like it very much at night. It's time to give it more of a chance to be a restful place during the day. I know Bee will cry and cry (because trust me, you know the babies who eventually start hiccuping and softly sobbing to themselves and finally fall asleep after a meltdown? That's not Bee. He has perseverance, this one). I know I will feel guilty at times, but I can reassure myself that Bee won't be a sociopath later in life because he cried during the transition from swing to crib.
Let's end with a little honesty, though...I also know I'm going to turn the baby monitor sound off after awhile (but we still have a video one to make sure he's not bouncing himself off the crib rails like an MMA fighter). I'm probably also going to go sit in my car in the garage at times because his crying will be hard to take. There might even be a time where I toss little Bee to his dad as he arrives home from work like I'm throwing the pass for a winning touchdown in a Superbowl. I will feel like Bee hates me (and maybe he might, but thankfully, I think his long-term memory is still in early development). I can practically guarantee that 5 o'clock will come early this week and maybe even into the next...but, I must think positively. Perhaps I'll be surprised and Bee will take to his crib like pinot noir does to my wineglass. And there it is, folks--positive thinking.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Blogging Block...
My friend and I were discussing "blogger's block" and how irritating it is. We have things to say, just can't seem to put them neatly into posts that make sense (or at least that's my issue). Lately, my thoughts have seemed more like a child in kindergarten class--Start. Stop. Blurt out. Take it back. Re-think it. Forget original thought. Start over. What was the question? Get frustrated...and on, and on...
Then a thought popped up, if I don't write about at least something will I lose the motivation to keep this up? Hmm...it is quite possible. I'm a habitual person and I like routines (and quite honestly, I like writing this blog).
So I've decided to write on someone I've known for almost a decade (holy sh*t!). Connor. I'm not playing favorites, it's just that I have more material for this guy. I've always meant to keep a "Connor List"--words, sayings, stories, etc. that pop out of his mouth so that I can show them to him (OK, so I can print it out on a banner along with potty pictures and show his prom date). This most likely will be a long post, and it's more so for myself to have a list finally started, so feel free to stop reading now (however, you will miss some hilarious material).
1) Connor first attempts at crawling were hilarious for the adults and so frustrating for him--why? He only crawled backwards. He would literally crawl himself into a corner and cry because he couldn't get out. Thankfully it was only temporary, because he now walks both backwards AND forwards.
2) Connor's 1st birthday--family and friends have flown in from all over the country to Arizona to celebrate. Connor looks like an angelic cherub in a Bob the Builder outfit, overalls and a tool belt to match. He's only really said "mama", "dada", "kitty", etc. up until now. All the men are outside in the pool. The women are inside preparing food (wow, that sounds sexist--I swear it wasn't that way). Connor is crawling around and sticks his hand in the cat food dish. He immediately sits up, holds up his hand and says, "Shit". Everyone falls silent. He puts his hand in the cat's water dish, "SHIT!", this time louder and with conviction. My son's first clear word was "shit". I take all the credit.
3) Potty-training. We tried, his preschool tried. I lost sleep worrying that a) he wouldn't be moved up to the pre-k class and b) he'd be going to college in Pull-Ups. Months went by, every bribe was used. Then one day at preschool, he went potty, clapped his hands, and said, "Oh! My mommy is going to be so proud of me!" and never looked back. Lesson learned? Don't try to force a "milestone" onto Connor. He WILL resist with impunity (same with riding a bike, after a few years of trying to get him on one, including a $100 deal that he declined, he hopped on one last summer and took right off).
4) While riding in his carseat at the age of 2 1/2, he told his future step-dad about a pattern. Dylan, thinking he was a smart guy and could teach Connor a thing or two said, "What's a pattern?". Connor responded immediately with, "It's something that repeats". Connor 1, Dylan 0.
5) Thomas the Train invaded our house and lives for YEARS. I still have the theme song to that show memorized. Connor knew all of the trains and god forbid you called one of them by the wrong name--that would get you kicked off the train table. One time at Target, he wanted me to buy him a train. I said no and he stood rooted to the spot in the aisle, put his hands on his 3 year old hips and said (very loudly), "You've gotta be f*cking kidding me!". Ouch.
6) From the time Connor was about 3, he started asking for a "baby stretchy". He wanted a sibling. When his preschool teachers asked why "stretchy", he said, "Because you need to stretch the baby...but only a little bit".
7) After asking for a sibling wasn't getting him anywhere, Connor (still about 3) decided to get a little more technical about it. When Dylan, Connor and I were driving home from downtown Portland, he piped up from the backseat--"Hey Dylan, you know if you take Mommy on a date and then your sperm meets up with her egg a baby will grow in her womb". Because he was 3, he pronounced it "wamb".
8) Dylan and I took a a week off once (basically sh*t or get off the pot Dylan, because I wanted to be married and have more kids). Connor took the time apart harder then we did. When I was getting ready to finally have dinner with Dylan after that week apart, Connor sat down and said, "Mommy, do you think you could let Dylan out of timeout now? Because he's like my best friend". Sweetest. Thing. Ever.
9) Connor was (is?) OBSESSED with Star Wars. I never got, still don't get it (I have to watch the first three before the second three, but that's not how they're numbered or something???). Anyway, he spent years CONVINCED that "galaxy" was pronounced "galaxcity". We didn't tell him otherwise. We tried once by showing him the word (since he could read) but he would not back down.
10) On topic of Star Wars, Connor received the Lego Death Star from Santa one year. This thing was ridiculous (both in price and construction). It came with a 3-ring binder of instructions. My brother and his wife came to visit, and they decided to give it a go. One afternoon, my brother dumped a container filled with the Legos. Connor got wide-eyed, put his hands in the air, backed away and said, "Oh no...my mommy doesn't like messes" (no, I never beat him into keeping things clean--if you don't believe me, take a look at his backpack).
11) I volunteered countless hours in kindergarten. There was a rug on the floor, separated into rows of colors. The teacher would ask the children to sit down on a "color", then the teacher would dismiss the children by calling out a certain "color" (row). For three days, Connor's row was never picked first. On the 4th day, "it" happened (and of course I was volunteering). Teacher asks Connor to sit down. He remains silently standing. Teacher repeats request. Connor is still standing. Teacher repeats request again with a little more irritation. Connor says, "I can't sit down". Silence in the classroom. I even stop stapling the handouts I've been tasked with. Teacher says, "Why not?". Connor replies with, "For three days you have not chosen the color I pick to be dismissed first. I would like to leave first today. I will sit down as soon as you tell me what color you will call first today".
12) We have always maintained the idea that it's completely and absolutely important to use the bathroom WHEN YOU NEED TO GO. In 2nd grade, his teacher and myself had a little run in. She denied Connor bathroom privileges. I understand that some children at that age have a tendency to abuse the bathroom privilege and use it as a chance to f*ck around. Connor is not that child. He does not like public bathrooms. If he is asking to go, he HAS TO GO. I met his teacher after school and after 20 (frustrating, hair-pulling and speaking through clenched teeth) minutes of addressing this issue, Connor popped his head in from the hallway and succinctly said what I'd been trying to get across the entire time, "When you have to GO, you have to GO. It's your body's way of taking out the trash. After all, don't you take your house trash out every week? They don't take that away from you". Well said, Connor.
13) For the life of me, I don't know what created the following situation, but a situation it was. Connor is not an "aggressive" protester. He'll do it quietly, but when he decides to protest, you know he's doing it. This was in 3rd grade and I received a call from the principal. Connor was refusing to come out from under his desk. This had been going on for over an hour by this time. They had to excuse the entire classroom to the playground because nobody could focus on anything but Connor. The adults couldn't force (drag) him out. So they called me. I said to tell Connor that if I had to come get him, all bets were off. Guess what? Out he came.
14) Every spring, Connor loves to go to Home Depot (or Fred Meyer) and pick out pots, plants and flowers. When we get them home, he'll dig right in and help me get them all planted and put out. We've never named it a "thing", but it's a "thing". Our "thing".
15) Connor has confidence that inspires me. Just this year, in 4th grade, he entered his school talent show for the second time. The first time, in 2nd grade, he danced the "Cupid Shuffle" to a Plain White T's song. This year, he sang lead in his band. They are called the 4th Dimension. He sang his heart out, did mic tricks and danced like a boss. All in front of a PACKED gymnasium. So proud.
This post took me awhile to complete--not because I was lacking in ideas, but because there were (and continue to be) so many funny, ironic, intelligent and surprising qualities (and stories) that come out of Connor. Just this morning, over waffles, he told me that it's the sperm and not the egg that determines gender.
Connor is going to change the world. So maybe I won't be reading this list at just his prom night or high school graduation, but maybe also on the Today Show when he's going on a press tour after winning the Nobel Prize. Or a Grammy.
Then a thought popped up, if I don't write about at least something will I lose the motivation to keep this up? Hmm...it is quite possible. I'm a habitual person and I like routines (and quite honestly, I like writing this blog).
So I've decided to write on someone I've known for almost a decade (holy sh*t!). Connor. I'm not playing favorites, it's just that I have more material for this guy. I've always meant to keep a "Connor List"--words, sayings, stories, etc. that pop out of his mouth so that I can show them to him (OK, so I can print it out on a banner along with potty pictures and show his prom date). This most likely will be a long post, and it's more so for myself to have a list finally started, so feel free to stop reading now (however, you will miss some hilarious material).
1) Connor first attempts at crawling were hilarious for the adults and so frustrating for him--why? He only crawled backwards. He would literally crawl himself into a corner and cry because he couldn't get out. Thankfully it was only temporary, because he now walks both backwards AND forwards.
2) Connor's 1st birthday--family and friends have flown in from all over the country to Arizona to celebrate. Connor looks like an angelic cherub in a Bob the Builder outfit, overalls and a tool belt to match. He's only really said "mama", "dada", "kitty", etc. up until now. All the men are outside in the pool. The women are inside preparing food (wow, that sounds sexist--I swear it wasn't that way). Connor is crawling around and sticks his hand in the cat food dish. He immediately sits up, holds up his hand and says, "Shit". Everyone falls silent. He puts his hand in the cat's water dish, "SHIT!", this time louder and with conviction. My son's first clear word was "shit". I take all the credit.
3) Potty-training. We tried, his preschool tried. I lost sleep worrying that a) he wouldn't be moved up to the pre-k class and b) he'd be going to college in Pull-Ups. Months went by, every bribe was used. Then one day at preschool, he went potty, clapped his hands, and said, "Oh! My mommy is going to be so proud of me!" and never looked back. Lesson learned? Don't try to force a "milestone" onto Connor. He WILL resist with impunity (same with riding a bike, after a few years of trying to get him on one, including a $100 deal that he declined, he hopped on one last summer and took right off).
4) While riding in his carseat at the age of 2 1/2, he told his future step-dad about a pattern. Dylan, thinking he was a smart guy and could teach Connor a thing or two said, "What's a pattern?". Connor responded immediately with, "It's something that repeats". Connor 1, Dylan 0.
5) Thomas the Train invaded our house and lives for YEARS. I still have the theme song to that show memorized. Connor knew all of the trains and god forbid you called one of them by the wrong name--that would get you kicked off the train table. One time at Target, he wanted me to buy him a train. I said no and he stood rooted to the spot in the aisle, put his hands on his 3 year old hips and said (very loudly), "You've gotta be f*cking kidding me!". Ouch.
6) From the time Connor was about 3, he started asking for a "baby stretchy". He wanted a sibling. When his preschool teachers asked why "stretchy", he said, "Because you need to stretch the baby...but only a little bit".
7) After asking for a sibling wasn't getting him anywhere, Connor (still about 3) decided to get a little more technical about it. When Dylan, Connor and I were driving home from downtown Portland, he piped up from the backseat--"Hey Dylan, you know if you take Mommy on a date and then your sperm meets up with her egg a baby will grow in her womb". Because he was 3, he pronounced it "wamb".
8) Dylan and I took a a week off once (basically sh*t or get off the pot Dylan, because I wanted to be married and have more kids). Connor took the time apart harder then we did. When I was getting ready to finally have dinner with Dylan after that week apart, Connor sat down and said, "Mommy, do you think you could let Dylan out of timeout now? Because he's like my best friend". Sweetest. Thing. Ever.
9) Connor was (is?) OBSESSED with Star Wars. I never got, still don't get it (I have to watch the first three before the second three, but that's not how they're numbered or something???). Anyway, he spent years CONVINCED that "galaxy" was pronounced "galaxcity". We didn't tell him otherwise. We tried once by showing him the word (since he could read) but he would not back down.
10) On topic of Star Wars, Connor received the Lego Death Star from Santa one year. This thing was ridiculous (both in price and construction). It came with a 3-ring binder of instructions. My brother and his wife came to visit, and they decided to give it a go. One afternoon, my brother dumped a container filled with the Legos. Connor got wide-eyed, put his hands in the air, backed away and said, "Oh no...my mommy doesn't like messes" (no, I never beat him into keeping things clean--if you don't believe me, take a look at his backpack).
11) I volunteered countless hours in kindergarten. There was a rug on the floor, separated into rows of colors. The teacher would ask the children to sit down on a "color", then the teacher would dismiss the children by calling out a certain "color" (row). For three days, Connor's row was never picked first. On the 4th day, "it" happened (and of course I was volunteering). Teacher asks Connor to sit down. He remains silently standing. Teacher repeats request. Connor is still standing. Teacher repeats request again with a little more irritation. Connor says, "I can't sit down". Silence in the classroom. I even stop stapling the handouts I've been tasked with. Teacher says, "Why not?". Connor replies with, "For three days you have not chosen the color I pick to be dismissed first. I would like to leave first today. I will sit down as soon as you tell me what color you will call first today".
12) We have always maintained the idea that it's completely and absolutely important to use the bathroom WHEN YOU NEED TO GO. In 2nd grade, his teacher and myself had a little run in. She denied Connor bathroom privileges. I understand that some children at that age have a tendency to abuse the bathroom privilege and use it as a chance to f*ck around. Connor is not that child. He does not like public bathrooms. If he is asking to go, he HAS TO GO. I met his teacher after school and after 20 (frustrating, hair-pulling and speaking through clenched teeth) minutes of addressing this issue, Connor popped his head in from the hallway and succinctly said what I'd been trying to get across the entire time, "When you have to GO, you have to GO. It's your body's way of taking out the trash. After all, don't you take your house trash out every week? They don't take that away from you". Well said, Connor.
13) For the life of me, I don't know what created the following situation, but a situation it was. Connor is not an "aggressive" protester. He'll do it quietly, but when he decides to protest, you know he's doing it. This was in 3rd grade and I received a call from the principal. Connor was refusing to come out from under his desk. This had been going on for over an hour by this time. They had to excuse the entire classroom to the playground because nobody could focus on anything but Connor. The adults couldn't force (drag) him out. So they called me. I said to tell Connor that if I had to come get him, all bets were off. Guess what? Out he came.
14) Every spring, Connor loves to go to Home Depot (or Fred Meyer) and pick out pots, plants and flowers. When we get them home, he'll dig right in and help me get them all planted and put out. We've never named it a "thing", but it's a "thing". Our "thing".
15) Connor has confidence that inspires me. Just this year, in 4th grade, he entered his school talent show for the second time. The first time, in 2nd grade, he danced the "Cupid Shuffle" to a Plain White T's song. This year, he sang lead in his band. They are called the 4th Dimension. He sang his heart out, did mic tricks and danced like a boss. All in front of a PACKED gymnasium. So proud.
This post took me awhile to complete--not because I was lacking in ideas, but because there were (and continue to be) so many funny, ironic, intelligent and surprising qualities (and stories) that come out of Connor. Just this morning, over waffles, he told me that it's the sperm and not the egg that determines gender.
Connor is going to change the world. So maybe I won't be reading this list at just his prom night or high school graduation, but maybe also on the Today Show when he's going on a press tour after winning the Nobel Prize. Or a Grammy.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Holy Technology & Baby Gear
Between having Connor and Bee, there were nine years. However, I still remember most of the baby gear I used with Connor and I am blown away daily by the advances in the "new" baby gear.
Let's start with the carseat. For Connor, I used a travel system that I got at my baby shower. Did I research it's safety rating? Of course not. It's DESIGNED to be safe. With Bee? All kinds of information (and opinions--from friends, family, other moms, websites, magazines, Google, Amazon, Target and BabiesRUs employees...) were thrown at me. There were brands to consider, colors, if you wanted a seat/stroller combo, or a seat that can fitted into a different model of stroller that you like better (of course that option requires ANOTHER piece of equipment to make them compatible), the weight of the carseat. I was seriously considering the "duct tape option" because I was so overwhelmed. Instead, I went with the most complicated option--a stroller that I really liked and would use for longer with a different brand of carseat that required the device to make it compatible with said stroller.
Then, little Bee came along and we put him into his high-quality, high safety rating, sporty-looking carseat. He hated it. We had to deal with his backseat driving (screaming) for about six weeks, then we bit the bullet and bought ANOTHER carseat. We bought him the same one Connor had only this model has a few extra bells & whistles. Namely, a cow print. Yes, I said it--Bee's carseat fabric looks like it should "moo" at you. But guess what? That cow print made him happier (or so I've convinced my husband who is not a fan)!
Bouncy seats. But after nine years, Connor's little bouncer sucked hard compared to Bee's. One of Bee's looked like a soft, furry papasan with hanging monkeys to stare at while music played and his little butt would vibrate. The other LOOKED like a monkey and had a toy bar--a toy bar! Bee would pull the banana and it would make sounds (again while playing music and vibrating his butt). There were a few sleep deprived moments when I looked at that soft little papasan chair and deliriously wondered if my ass would fit in it, it was so nice. Total sidenote: I finally realized what the vibrating does--it shakes the poops and gas out.
Once Bee got heavy and we were on the hunt for a better way to carry him around. Enter Baby Bjorn. Connor hated his, but since I'd witnessed all the improvements in the other baby gear I figured Bee would have to love it, right (I mean, the model I chose DID have back support)? No--and after some serious reconsideration, what boy wants his balls crunched up to his butt crack while circulation is cut off to his legs? On top of that, there is no place to rest their head (Mom's boobs are too low), and their arms just dangle around. Message to Baby Bjorn--the pics on your boxes are LIES. You photo shopped those smiling kids and parents (especially the boy baby's smile--totally fake).
Now that Bee is good with sitting in the front seat of shopping carts, I bought one of those shopping cart covers. I brought the cover home and for a second I thought I was seeing (and reading) incorrectly. This thing had, wait for it...A PLASTIC, WATERPROOF "SLIP" TO PUT YOUR iPAD, iPHONE OR ANY OTHER GADGET IN. WTF!?!?!? I thought, if a kid can work one of those gadgets at the age that he still is using the cover, you should throw out the gadget and enroll the kid at Harvard. I'm using that plastic slip as a snack sack.
I caved a few weeks ago and bought a new stroller. It takes up less space in my trunk, it's lighter, much easier to maneuver. This new stroller coincidentally is also named the "Bee" (that had NOTHING to do with my decision, I promise). There is a big problem with this stroller though--I don't know how to use it. I've read the instructions, I've practiced many hours (not 10,000 which Malcom Gladwell would recommend--Google that and show your kids when they don't want to practice something), I've tried with and without shoes, I bruised my freaking foot, I've let loose more expletives than any human should ever hear, I've had my husband try, my nanny try...we can only get 50% success if we're lucky. So this afternoon I'm putting it to the final test with my good friend who is also a nanny. If she can't get it, it's going back and I'll suck it up and use the one I already have.
On a final note: I KNOW I am a marketer's dream. I AM their target audience. I am SO gullible. So let me tell you honestly...don't believe all the hype. I do and it bites me in the ass all the time.
Let's start with the carseat. For Connor, I used a travel system that I got at my baby shower. Did I research it's safety rating? Of course not. It's DESIGNED to be safe. With Bee? All kinds of information (and opinions--from friends, family, other moms, websites, magazines, Google, Amazon, Target and BabiesRUs employees...) were thrown at me. There were brands to consider, colors, if you wanted a seat/stroller combo, or a seat that can fitted into a different model of stroller that you like better (of course that option requires ANOTHER piece of equipment to make them compatible), the weight of the carseat. I was seriously considering the "duct tape option" because I was so overwhelmed. Instead, I went with the most complicated option--a stroller that I really liked and would use for longer with a different brand of carseat that required the device to make it compatible with said stroller.
Then, little Bee came along and we put him into his high-quality, high safety rating, sporty-looking carseat. He hated it. We had to deal with his backseat driving (screaming) for about six weeks, then we bit the bullet and bought ANOTHER carseat. We bought him the same one Connor had only this model has a few extra bells & whistles. Namely, a cow print. Yes, I said it--Bee's carseat fabric looks like it should "moo" at you. But guess what? That cow print made him happier (or so I've convinced my husband who is not a fan)!
Bouncy seats. But after nine years, Connor's little bouncer sucked hard compared to Bee's. One of Bee's looked like a soft, furry papasan with hanging monkeys to stare at while music played and his little butt would vibrate. The other LOOKED like a monkey and had a toy bar--a toy bar! Bee would pull the banana and it would make sounds (again while playing music and vibrating his butt). There were a few sleep deprived moments when I looked at that soft little papasan chair and deliriously wondered if my ass would fit in it, it was so nice. Total sidenote: I finally realized what the vibrating does--it shakes the poops and gas out.
Once Bee got heavy and we were on the hunt for a better way to carry him around. Enter Baby Bjorn. Connor hated his, but since I'd witnessed all the improvements in the other baby gear I figured Bee would have to love it, right (I mean, the model I chose DID have back support)? No--and after some serious reconsideration, what boy wants his balls crunched up to his butt crack while circulation is cut off to his legs? On top of that, there is no place to rest their head (Mom's boobs are too low), and their arms just dangle around. Message to Baby Bjorn--the pics on your boxes are LIES. You photo shopped those smiling kids and parents (especially the boy baby's smile--totally fake).
Now that Bee is good with sitting in the front seat of shopping carts, I bought one of those shopping cart covers. I brought the cover home and for a second I thought I was seeing (and reading) incorrectly. This thing had, wait for it...A PLASTIC, WATERPROOF "SLIP" TO PUT YOUR iPAD, iPHONE OR ANY OTHER GADGET IN. WTF!?!?!? I thought, if a kid can work one of those gadgets at the age that he still is using the cover, you should throw out the gadget and enroll the kid at Harvard. I'm using that plastic slip as a snack sack.
I caved a few weeks ago and bought a new stroller. It takes up less space in my trunk, it's lighter, much easier to maneuver. This new stroller coincidentally is also named the "Bee" (that had NOTHING to do with my decision, I promise). There is a big problem with this stroller though--I don't know how to use it. I've read the instructions, I've practiced many hours (not 10,000 which Malcom Gladwell would recommend--Google that and show your kids when they don't want to practice something), I've tried with and without shoes, I bruised my freaking foot, I've let loose more expletives than any human should ever hear, I've had my husband try, my nanny try...we can only get 50% success if we're lucky. So this afternoon I'm putting it to the final test with my good friend who is also a nanny. If she can't get it, it's going back and I'll suck it up and use the one I already have.
On a final note: I KNOW I am a marketer's dream. I AM their target audience. I am SO gullible. So let me tell you honestly...don't believe all the hype. I do and it bites me in the ass all the time.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
10 Things To Expect After A Baby
The title of this entry is bogus. To try and only pick out 10 things to expect after having a baby is like trying to get away with only wearing a shirt and no pants to Target and have nobody stare at you. Impossible. But, I wanted to try...
1) Your baby will look funny as a newborn. Both Connor and Bee were gorgeous babies, but my DNA is superior (I kid, I kid). Be prepared that your baby will not come out looking like a toddler. It's head might be oddly shaped, their eyes might look squinty, their skin may look red...but most importantly, they will be beautiful to you--and that's what matters.
2) The first poops are terrible. Not because they stink, but the consistency is just...bizarre. Bee did his doody (pun-intended) right out of the chute. Child was FULL of it (granted, he was probably still processing the amniotic fluid filled with PF Changs and marshmallows). Whether you have a boy or a girl, when you're changing those diapers, it's like trying to peel rubber cement off the final draft of your essay as a kid. Oh, and since it takes so long to get them clean, you will most definitely get peed on (there is where you can be jealous of those with girls since boys tend to aim and release straight up--in your face).
3) The first few days can be difficult because you want to be home snuggling and resting with your new baby. Instead, you are forced to take them (and their weak immune system, the horror!) out into the world to make a ridiculous amount of doctor's appointments. I never got this. It's like "Hey! Let's put some sleep-deprived (and hormonal) parents behind the wheel of a car with a newborn baby in the back and have them criss-cross a metro area--GENIUS!". You will become on a first name basis with your local drive-thru Starbucks barista.
4) Sleep deprivation finally hits and a fog settles over your house. Everyone answers in grunts, some may fall asleep brushing their teeth (hey, the Sonicare does have a relaxing white noise about it), you forget when breakfast, lunch and dinner should happen and your oldest child will become a superhero--Connor was still getting his sleep, regular food schedule and having fun so he was the "upper" in house. If you have older children, they will provide that foray into reality when you really need it--and also more than a few laughs.
5) After the dust settles, a routine can help. However, don't be fooled into thinking that you, as the parent, decides and implements said routine the first time. This little creature will absolutely put YOU on the schedule first. Let them do that for awhile...and then slowly sneak in changes. Some babies respond and settle in right away (Connor), some resist (Bee) and will continue to resist until...well, we're still working on that.
6) You will be afraid to take your baby out in public because you don't want to be "that parent" with the screaming kid. But guess what? EVERYONE loves babies (well, mostly everyone. The ones that don't are like cats that don't like kids--they will hide). However, if you do have a baby in full meltdown mode because they have a need not being met (dirty diaper, hungry, pissed that you wouldn't let them continue to suck on the Mentos on display) and they ARE stopping traffic, please do the nice thing and take them into a quieter place to calm them down. You'll feel better and baby will feel better.
7) You might resent your spouse if you're the one staying at home with the baby--I know I did. I felt like my job wasn't as important, but I was wrong. I was tasked with something just as important--raising two beautiful boys. I don't get a paycheck, but hugs and kisses, drooly and toothless grins, and "I love you Mommy" are things you can't put a price tag on (but seriously Dylan, I do kind of hate you just a little tiny bit when you travel--because I love hotels and room service).
8) The family will change in the best and worst ways. Everyone becomes closer and shares in the excitement of this new addition. However, older kids can feel left out, spouses snap at each other, mom can lose her sh*t over something obscenely unimportant and go cry in her closet, and family dinners may take a backseat to takeout and quesadillas. But that's okay. Remind all of your kids that you love them. Thank your spouse for going through this with you. This is where I suggest that you cry IN the shower so you can get clean, and then IN your closet so you can get dressed, and THEN in your car as you take a drive by yourself for 10 minutes to get takeout.
9) Pictures will become your favorite thing to take and look at. I've been like this forever with Connor, and now with Bee, it's ridiculous. Look! Connor is eating a waffle, take a picture! Bee is staring at the cat, take a picture! Ohmigoodness, both of my adorable boys are TOGETHER, looking cute AND Bee is touching Connor's head--quick, take the damn picture! Remember to also get them framed or put in photo books. My husband's job might be all about "The Cloud" but I still don't trust "The Cloud" to keep my images safe (and for the last time, "The Cloud" is just the freaking Internet people).
10) You will miss the time you had with your spouse. You will each be pulled in so many different directions that it's difficult to be pulled TOGETHER. Let friends, godparents, a nanny, etc. take your kids for awhile so you can get out (trust me, your kids will be FINE). After all, you really don't want to end up as the couple who wakes up 20 years later (after the kids are gone) and says in shock, "Who the f*ck are you?!?!? How long have you been there?!?!?" while reaching for your can of mace.
Trying to prepare for life after a new baby is like wondering what world peace might feel like. Or like my friend and I were talking about, trying to imagine what infinity is. It's overwhelming and scary. I think it's truly one of those life changes you just jump and figure it out later as you go along.
1) Your baby will look funny as a newborn. Both Connor and Bee were gorgeous babies, but my DNA is superior (I kid, I kid). Be prepared that your baby will not come out looking like a toddler. It's head might be oddly shaped, their eyes might look squinty, their skin may look red...but most importantly, they will be beautiful to you--and that's what matters.
2) The first poops are terrible. Not because they stink, but the consistency is just...bizarre. Bee did his doody (pun-intended) right out of the chute. Child was FULL of it (granted, he was probably still processing the amniotic fluid filled with PF Changs and marshmallows). Whether you have a boy or a girl, when you're changing those diapers, it's like trying to peel rubber cement off the final draft of your essay as a kid. Oh, and since it takes so long to get them clean, you will most definitely get peed on (there is where you can be jealous of those with girls since boys tend to aim and release straight up--in your face).
3) The first few days can be difficult because you want to be home snuggling and resting with your new baby. Instead, you are forced to take them (and their weak immune system, the horror!) out into the world to make a ridiculous amount of doctor's appointments. I never got this. It's like "Hey! Let's put some sleep-deprived (and hormonal) parents behind the wheel of a car with a newborn baby in the back and have them criss-cross a metro area--GENIUS!". You will become on a first name basis with your local drive-thru Starbucks barista.
4) Sleep deprivation finally hits and a fog settles over your house. Everyone answers in grunts, some may fall asleep brushing their teeth (hey, the Sonicare does have a relaxing white noise about it), you forget when breakfast, lunch and dinner should happen and your oldest child will become a superhero--Connor was still getting his sleep, regular food schedule and having fun so he was the "upper" in house. If you have older children, they will provide that foray into reality when you really need it--and also more than a few laughs.
5) After the dust settles, a routine can help. However, don't be fooled into thinking that you, as the parent, decides and implements said routine the first time. This little creature will absolutely put YOU on the schedule first. Let them do that for awhile...and then slowly sneak in changes. Some babies respond and settle in right away (Connor), some resist (Bee) and will continue to resist until...well, we're still working on that.
6) You will be afraid to take your baby out in public because you don't want to be "that parent" with the screaming kid. But guess what? EVERYONE loves babies (well, mostly everyone. The ones that don't are like cats that don't like kids--they will hide). However, if you do have a baby in full meltdown mode because they have a need not being met (dirty diaper, hungry, pissed that you wouldn't let them continue to suck on the Mentos on display) and they ARE stopping traffic, please do the nice thing and take them into a quieter place to calm them down. You'll feel better and baby will feel better.
7) You might resent your spouse if you're the one staying at home with the baby--I know I did. I felt like my job wasn't as important, but I was wrong. I was tasked with something just as important--raising two beautiful boys. I don't get a paycheck, but hugs and kisses, drooly and toothless grins, and "I love you Mommy" are things you can't put a price tag on (but seriously Dylan, I do kind of hate you just a little tiny bit when you travel--because I love hotels and room service).
8) The family will change in the best and worst ways. Everyone becomes closer and shares in the excitement of this new addition. However, older kids can feel left out, spouses snap at each other, mom can lose her sh*t over something obscenely unimportant and go cry in her closet, and family dinners may take a backseat to takeout and quesadillas. But that's okay. Remind all of your kids that you love them. Thank your spouse for going through this with you. This is where I suggest that you cry IN the shower so you can get clean, and then IN your closet so you can get dressed, and THEN in your car as you take a drive by yourself for 10 minutes to get takeout.
9) Pictures will become your favorite thing to take and look at. I've been like this forever with Connor, and now with Bee, it's ridiculous. Look! Connor is eating a waffle, take a picture! Bee is staring at the cat, take a picture! Ohmigoodness, both of my adorable boys are TOGETHER, looking cute AND Bee is touching Connor's head--quick, take the damn picture! Remember to also get them framed or put in photo books. My husband's job might be all about "The Cloud" but I still don't trust "The Cloud" to keep my images safe (and for the last time, "The Cloud" is just the freaking Internet people).
10) You will miss the time you had with your spouse. You will each be pulled in so many different directions that it's difficult to be pulled TOGETHER. Let friends, godparents, a nanny, etc. take your kids for awhile so you can get out (trust me, your kids will be FINE). After all, you really don't want to end up as the couple who wakes up 20 years later (after the kids are gone) and says in shock, "Who the f*ck are you?!?!? How long have you been there?!?!?" while reaching for your can of mace.
Trying to prepare for life after a new baby is like wondering what world peace might feel like. Or like my friend and I were talking about, trying to imagine what infinity is. It's overwhelming and scary. I think it's truly one of those life changes you just jump and figure it out later as you go along.
Friday, March 8, 2013
The "Force" Is NOT With Me
I consider myself to be of reasonable intelligence, street smart as well as book smart. So why is it that I routinely get out-smarted by two little boys, ages 7 months and 10 years?
The worst part is, is that I thought I might have a chance that little Bee may never outsmart me (or at least not start negotiating at 16 months like Connor did). I would just cut all of those intelligence-boosting games, books, etc. off at the pass that I used with Connor. But guess what? I couldn't remove the one PERSON that could pass those tips and tricks along--Connor himself.
Oh, yes. Somehow Connor got to Bee. I'm not sure when it happened, or HOW it happened (considering Bee doesn't yet "talk" or even sit up by himself), but it happened. Connor has officially started to pass along the Jedi mind-tricks to Bee.
Connor's Jedi tricks and negotiations started early and went something like this--upon entering an unfamiliar Target, Connor (obsessed with Thomas the Train) would separate the weakest of the "animals" (adults) from the herd and say (while scratching his chin--pretty cute for a 2 year old), "Hmm...*insert weakest link's name here* I wonder if they have Thomas at this Target?". He would walk away with a train.
Connor's Jedi tricks and negotiations now are often easier to spot, but are harder to negotiate with. His greatest trick is allowing you to honestly BELIEVE you have out-negotiated him so you have therefore won the fight. Wrong. An hour or even days later it hits you--you completely lost that battle. And Connor has most likely been smiling and patting himself on the back the entire time you thought you had busted his tactics.
Now little Bee...his Jedi lessons have just begun. The first one? Nap time. When it is not nap time, Bee is loud--he loves to talk and sing to himself, he stomps his heels on the floor, tears apart his playmat, rolls around and pulls himself all over. He'll jump in his Jumparoo, wrestle stuffed animals...you get the picture. He's a very busy baby and you always know where he is in the house. Nap time was always the time Bee was quiet because he was SLEEPING. Well, not anymore. At least not 60% of the time.
Here's the deal--he does everything right to lead me along. He gets a little whiny, rubs his eyes, looks for Tucker (his lovey), and then goes quiet as I leave the room. I even use a monitor and I hear him quiet in there. But he's not always napping. Oh, no. When he finally gets bored of trying to yank his socks off or throwing Tucker around, (often an hour to an hour 1/2 later), he'll start jabbering away again wanting to get up. Lately, my instincts tell me he has most definitely NOT been sleeping. Why? Because ten minutes after waking up he is truly exhausted and really cranky.
I have witnesses to prove this happens. My husband. My nanny. My friends. My family. I'm NOT crazy. Both of my boys are working their intelligence AGAINST me. A gift from me to them, through my DNA. They now use it was some sort of weaponry. Connor? Master negotiator. He'll talk you in circles until you throw your hands up in defeat. Bee? His current label is Nap Ninja. I'm afraid to think about what Connor teaches Bee next...
The worst part is, is that I thought I might have a chance that little Bee may never outsmart me (or at least not start negotiating at 16 months like Connor did). I would just cut all of those intelligence-boosting games, books, etc. off at the pass that I used with Connor. But guess what? I couldn't remove the one PERSON that could pass those tips and tricks along--Connor himself.
Oh, yes. Somehow Connor got to Bee. I'm not sure when it happened, or HOW it happened (considering Bee doesn't yet "talk" or even sit up by himself), but it happened. Connor has officially started to pass along the Jedi mind-tricks to Bee.
Connor's Jedi tricks and negotiations started early and went something like this--upon entering an unfamiliar Target, Connor (obsessed with Thomas the Train) would separate the weakest of the "animals" (adults) from the herd and say (while scratching his chin--pretty cute for a 2 year old), "Hmm...*insert weakest link's name here* I wonder if they have Thomas at this Target?". He would walk away with a train.
Connor's Jedi tricks and negotiations now are often easier to spot, but are harder to negotiate with. His greatest trick is allowing you to honestly BELIEVE you have out-negotiated him so you have therefore won the fight. Wrong. An hour or even days later it hits you--you completely lost that battle. And Connor has most likely been smiling and patting himself on the back the entire time you thought you had busted his tactics.
Now little Bee...his Jedi lessons have just begun. The first one? Nap time. When it is not nap time, Bee is loud--he loves to talk and sing to himself, he stomps his heels on the floor, tears apart his playmat, rolls around and pulls himself all over. He'll jump in his Jumparoo, wrestle stuffed animals...you get the picture. He's a very busy baby and you always know where he is in the house. Nap time was always the time Bee was quiet because he was SLEEPING. Well, not anymore. At least not 60% of the time.
Here's the deal--he does everything right to lead me along. He gets a little whiny, rubs his eyes, looks for Tucker (his lovey), and then goes quiet as I leave the room. I even use a monitor and I hear him quiet in there. But he's not always napping. Oh, no. When he finally gets bored of trying to yank his socks off or throwing Tucker around, (often an hour to an hour 1/2 later), he'll start jabbering away again wanting to get up. Lately, my instincts tell me he has most definitely NOT been sleeping. Why? Because ten minutes after waking up he is truly exhausted and really cranky.
I have witnesses to prove this happens. My husband. My nanny. My friends. My family. I'm NOT crazy. Both of my boys are working their intelligence AGAINST me. A gift from me to them, through my DNA. They now use it was some sort of weaponry. Connor? Master negotiator. He'll talk you in circles until you throw your hands up in defeat. Bee? His current label is Nap Ninja. I'm afraid to think about what Connor teaches Bee next...
Thursday, March 7, 2013
10 Things About Bee
And, here is my littlest Bee's list...all this and only 7 months old!
1) Bee almost arrived on my birthday (July 28th) but was nice and came on the 23rd instead
2) He is a Leo born in the Year of the Dragon
3) Bee likes spinach mixed with blueberries
4) Bee does not like pureed broccoli
5) He is a maniac on his playmat and takes his stuffed animals to town--he is also known to toss bowls, cups and utensils all the way across the kitchen
6) Bee loves taking walks in his stroller, but hates when you stop moving
7) He is OBSESSED with lights, and if it's dark outside but he sees a light not on, he gets excited and wants it turned on right away
8) Bee hated his infant carseat but now when he has to ride in it with my friend he doesn't make a peep
9) He has already outgrown most all of his 9 month clothes, mostly in length
10) Bee loves music and likes to watch those around him dance and sing--he's already recognizing favorite songs
I can't wait for the next six months...every day something new happens with him!
1) Bee almost arrived on my birthday (July 28th) but was nice and came on the 23rd instead
2) He is a Leo born in the Year of the Dragon
3) Bee likes spinach mixed with blueberries
4) Bee does not like pureed broccoli
5) He is a maniac on his playmat and takes his stuffed animals to town--he is also known to toss bowls, cups and utensils all the way across the kitchen
6) Bee loves taking walks in his stroller, but hates when you stop moving
7) He is OBSESSED with lights, and if it's dark outside but he sees a light not on, he gets excited and wants it turned on right away
8) Bee hated his infant carseat but now when he has to ride in it with my friend he doesn't make a peep
9) He has already outgrown most all of his 9 month clothes, mostly in length
10) Bee loves music and likes to watch those around him dance and sing--he's already recognizing favorite songs
I can't wait for the next six months...every day something new happens with him!
10 Things About Connor
I'm stealing this idea from a friend--but I thought it'd be fun to do a post for both of my boys (and maybe me if I get around to it) listing 10 things unique to them. We'll start with Connor...
1) Connor was born with preemie ears (they were all smooshy) because he was 36 weeks (not 38).
2) He despises any blueberries that are "squishy, have spots on them, lumpy, oddly colored or dry"
3) The only green things he'll eat are peas (sometimes) and spinach (but with no dressing, just plain and uncooked).
4) Connor is addicted to reading and like to own hardcover copies of his favorite books
5) He loves brownies and Fudgesicles but will rarely eat any other candies or sweets
6) Connor broke his arm last May right before school ended, it was his right one. He still managed to write, draw, color AND ride his scooter
7) He probably owns at least 1/2 of everything Lego has come out with over the past 5 years
8) Connor has a photographic memory, which can be a blessing or a curse
9) Even though he has been bullied, he will always do the right thing--even if it means standing up for the person who bullied him (like holding the bus for the neighborhood tormentor)
10) Connor absolutely cannot lie. He might try, but he comes clean about 5 seconds later
There are many, many more...and that's why everyone who meets Connor loves him. Knowing him will change your life.
1) Connor was born with preemie ears (they were all smooshy) because he was 36 weeks (not 38).
2) He despises any blueberries that are "squishy, have spots on them, lumpy, oddly colored or dry"
3) The only green things he'll eat are peas (sometimes) and spinach (but with no dressing, just plain and uncooked).
4) Connor is addicted to reading and like to own hardcover copies of his favorite books
5) He loves brownies and Fudgesicles but will rarely eat any other candies or sweets
6) Connor broke his arm last May right before school ended, it was his right one. He still managed to write, draw, color AND ride his scooter
7) He probably owns at least 1/2 of everything Lego has come out with over the past 5 years
8) Connor has a photographic memory, which can be a blessing or a curse
9) Even though he has been bullied, he will always do the right thing--even if it means standing up for the person who bullied him (like holding the bus for the neighborhood tormentor)
10) Connor absolutely cannot lie. He might try, but he comes clean about 5 seconds later
There are many, many more...and that's why everyone who meets Connor loves him. Knowing him will change your life.
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